Wednesday, December 30

Mid-Morning

Writing this morning from Bread Company in downtown St. Louis. We dropped off the boys at day care and drove in with Sakura in tow so she can spend the day with Grandpa Bob. I'm supposed to be writing my column for Liguorian while Pat works. We're meeting this aft for a date -- dinner and a movie - both with gift certs from good friends. Woohoo!

We're in the midst of a tough decision: should we drop the sponsorship of any or all of the children through CFCA -- Christian Foundation for Children and Aging. I so believe in their work and in India two years ago I saw firsthand how they stretch our sponsorship dollars. Thirty dollars a month goes amazingly far toward providing education and all the support a child needs to learn. Everytime I spend close to $30, I think "That's a month of life for Vignon in India or Willis, Damaris or Dani in Guatemala."

And yet, we are committing to raising and educating our three grands and we need to be responsible. That $120 a month is a good portion of Sakura's tuition. On the other hand, surely we can find a way to save that much. But on the other hand .... I feel like Tevya in Fiddler on the Roof. 

I'd be grateful to "pass on" one of our kids to someone who is interested -- you or someone you know? Vignon is a bright little boy about 12 or 13, living near Hyderabad, India. WIllis is a darling little boy about five in Guatemala, and Damaris and Dani are sister and brother, ages 6 and 4 - the same as Sakura and Nicky. If we keep two, I think I'd like to keep them so that we can later connect our grands with them.

Any takers? No pressure -- really! You can read about CFCA at www.cfcausa.org.

Recent photos are from last night's dinner with friends, Al and Doris. Our children were at their charming-est. Yes!

Tuesday, December 29

Good morning, Sunshine! Skies are clear and blue, air crisp and cold -- 20 degrees now, high expected of 32. I turned up the heat and got a fire going with only four pieces of kindling.

We have a propane furnace with a tank we fill about every three years as we try to use it sparingly and heat with wood. With the babes here it's more important to take the chill off the house so we've been using the furnace a bit more than usual. The week before Christmas the MFA guy showed up with his truck and, as we ran out to tell him we didn't order any propane, he said, "I know you didn't call  us; I'm working for Santa Claus." Someone had ordered our tank filled.

Pat and I speculated for a while and finally found out -- my mother! She lives in Corpus Christi and couldn't stand the idea of us being cold. Very generous and a great gift. Thanks Mom!

Usually as we open presents, friend Mary acts as our amanuensis (you gotta love that word!) and notes the gifts sent from folks who aren't around the tree. This year things were hectic and we weren't able to stay on top of things. So today I will do some gift deduction and prepare our thank you note writing. We'll sit around the table on New Year's Eve and write them while the kids draw pictures and stick on the stamps. It's a good way to end the old year -- with gratitude.

Trouble in paradise -- the boys are playing with their trains and Sakura is mumbling about how they don't share. Just when I think of her as the older kid, she turns all childish. She'll be 7 on February 1. The age of reason. Right!

Matthew decided he liked Sakura's hat. (See left.) Not sure when boys begin to disdain pink.

Mid-Afternoon

All three guys are napping, Sakura is painting, and I'm dozing over my thank you notes. Discovered a stopped-up toilet this morning. Pat tried the snake, but no go. He finally had to remove the toilet and found a yellow rubber ducky and a small troll doll blocking things up. Fortunately they didn't get into the pipe.

As you can see, he had a little help fixing it.

To preserve the marriage and with the hopes of having a working toilet by afternoon, I took his "help" away to the grocery store and library where we used their facility. Sakura chose to stay home with Papa and hold out for ours or, as she said, "I'll just go outside." Brave girl. Chilly.

Tonight we're going to friends, Al and Doris, for dinner and to admire their Christmas tree.

Oh, and we have a working toilet again. And no small toys in the bathroom.

Monday, December 28

Holy Innocents

Mid-Morning

Sleep! Glorious Sleep! I fell asleep a little after 10 and Pat woke me at 8:00. Yes!

He woke me with the words, "Honey, I have to go." He's at work today. I'm at home. With all three kids. Three-to-one odds. Hmmm.

I didn't get a shower. Too risky being out of hearing with Matt loose. I was going to take them to day care as friend Judy is coming with her laptop to learn some tricks from me. I'll let Sakura use my notebook so we will be Three Women with Laptops.

As it got later in the morning, I decided to be brave and hole in with all three. The boys might nap during our laptop time.

A word about the three newest photos, all taken yesterday: Sakura painting her feet with water colors. Who would think of doing that? Friend Mary coloring. Matt with trains. A pleasant, restorative Sunday afternoon.

This is my second day of not raising my voice. One day at a time. Doing okay so far. Not even tempted. I figure after a week or two, I can, Gandhi-like, invite the kiddos to allow this to become a non-yelling household.

There's a story that Gandhi was asked by worried parents to speak to their son about how much candy the boy was eating. Gandhi told them to come back in fifteen days. When they came back, he spoke quietly to the boy who, as his wondering parents reported, wouldn't touch candy. What did Gandhi say to them, they asked.

Gandhi explained that first he himself had to stop eating candy, which was why he asked them to come back in fifteen days. Then he simply told the boy that for his own health and that of the boys' he was fasting from candy and would the boy join him in that fast?

My brother and sister and I have been sending emails to each other, as we often do after Christmas. Tony reminded me to get enough rest and drink enough water. I think we caregivers have to look in the mirror and see the child who needs mothering and then treat that child as we do other children we love. 

There's a word to describe God in Psalm 96 -- one we sing on Christmas Day: constancy. Some translations call it equity or justice or faithfulness. But I like constancy.

It's a good word to keep in mind when caring for little ones. We do as we want them to do. We love ourselves as we love them. Maybe we can even learn to love other mother's children as we love our own. Then we might know a peaceful world.

About these Feast Days. We Catholics have a liturgical year during which we set aside days to remember events, people, aspects of our history. The Holy Innocents were the little boy children murdered by Herod when he was trying to find the king who would threaten his reign. It's not a bad exercise to identify in our world today the Innocents and the Herods.

Time to get the kiddos their lunch. Have a peaceful day.

Evening

Bedtime ritual almost complete. Matt is dropping off, as is Nick. Sakura is drawing. I'm about to take a shower - a much needed shower! - and then go up and say prayers with her.

It was a good day. Surprised me that I could find a whole day alone with all three of them so peaceful. Well, I wasn't alone all day. Friend Judy - MISS Judy to the kids - came over and brought her new laptop and first computer ever for me to show her a few tricks. Fun to be with her. She engages the children well and they all love her.

Added one more photo -- all three kids in their Cristmas present hats from Aunt Linda and Great Grandma. Nothing quite so cute as a kid in a silly hat.

Saturday, December 26

First Anniversary of Dad Shortal's Passing

Early Morning

Up at 5:30 -- feeling rested. Showered and decided to edit Christmas photos. Before kiddos get up, I'll download and describe:

First four were taken Christmas Eve of the Littles with their cousins. Second cousins? Whatever their dad's cousins are to them. Pat's nieces and nephews. 

+ Michael the Oldest, holding Matthew - Kathy and Pat in the background;

+ Nick with Pat's sister, Kathy and younger sister Linda in background, along with Michael and Matt; youngest cousin,

+ Daniel, holding Matt;

+ Liz with Matt.

No photo of fourth cousin, Mary. All four of Kathy's chldren are attractive, engaging young people.

Christmas Day photos:

+ Sakura and Nick with Puppy Family;

+ Sakura with Nativity Scene at St. Francis Borgia Church;

+ Three eager kids posing with promise of (finally!) opening presents;

+ Matt - napping with puppy and one of his favorite book: Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.

The puppies were gifts from friends, Margit and Randy. What is it about soft animal toys? All kids seem to love them. Maybe they are for babies what the babies themselves are to us -- something to cuddle and stroke and love.

Kids just awoke and all came down in their jams, starting to sort through their presents that are, for the moment, neatly under the tree.

Yesterday was, again, long and full. So glad we decided to sing morning Mass. Joined by our friends, Mary and Dan, the five of us (Sakura sang with us, too), accompanied by friend TIm, sang well and led a full congregation in the old carols. Daddy stayed home with Matt and a coughing Nick.

After Mass we picked up friend Mary and came home to prepare a lunch for ten. Nate, Grandpa Bob and Mommy showed up after two hours on the road stuck in traffic. We ate, opened gifts, prepared and ate supper, played with the kids.

How did it go, the first family gathering since a separated Mommy and Daddy and their children now living in our home? Well enough. In some ways easier than past years as the children could go to their rooms to play or go to bed for a nap when they needed one. Sad that there was barely civility where there was once affection. I missed Dan who is the son who notices what needs to be done and does it. The other two, three counting Mommy, will help out when asked -- grudgingly or graciously, depending -- but never seem to notice trash or dishes or a dirty diaper.

This morning, after breakfast and dressing the kiddos, we're hosting Mom Shortal, sister Kathy, her sons, Michael and Daniel, and Michael's new girlfriend, Wei, to lunch. Ten of us. But it's the anniversary of Dad Shortal's passing and we felt the need to see them.

I have two other goals today: a walk, no matter how cold it is; and to write a long letter to my mom. She's not able to read on the computer as easily so forces me to communicate the old-fashioned way. She was especially generous this Christmas -- more about that later.

Enjoy this "boxing day." I guess a lot of folks are in the stores. To me a root canal is slightly preferable.

Late Afternoon

Very, very cold out - so cold that, despite the wood fire burning all day, only the immediate room is warm and the rest of the house quite cool. Kids are comfortable though and I have to stop myself from saying, "put on your shoes" a hundred times. Sakura has tried on every dress in her dress-up box, coming up with amazing and amusing combinations. Right now she's wearing black tights and leotard with a blue feather boa and plastic high heels. You Go Girl.

The fam got here about noon and we had a lunch of homemade turkey soup or chili, crackers and cheese, and various relishes, cookies, etc. I love after-Christmas leftovers.

I didn't get to my two goals -- thank you notes and a walk. Just too cold to go out. If I get my Vitamin D in a pill, so be it.

A few more photos:

+ Sakura in a dress from her dress-up box with her completed floor puzzle, both gifts from Aunt Bessie;

+ Sakura in yet another dress, riding a small pony from Daddy;

+ Kids with Aunt Kathy, Cousin Michael and Michael's special friend, Wei;

+ Nick and Matt with their main present this year -- wooden toy trains on a table. They aren't always both smiling. Very often one has a train the other has right to. Sigh.

Time to get a little supper together and then early bed for three tired Littles, followed by early-ish bed for us Grups (short for Grown-up). Not seriously weary, but I keep nodding off like an old person!

Thursday, December 24

Christmas Eve

A Christmas Eve that is gloomy outside and bright inside. We've made a few last minute preparations. I took Matt on errands with me this morning, allowing Pat to get the outside chores done while the Bigs played upstairs. Last night we went through all the toys, books and clothes and put aside several baskets of things to "leave for Santa to give to Baby Jesus." In that process they discovered a big box of legos saved from when their daddy and uncle played with them.

Matt and I took those give-aways to Vincents Angels, a local re-sale shop run by the Vincent de Paul Society. Then we did our last minute grocery shopping for Christmas breakfast items and things to put in their stockings. I had completely forgotten about that and, as our kids can't open presents until everyone is here and that is not until after Mass -- almost Noon! -- I'm putting one toy in each of  their stockings. I was a bit limited by Frick's grocery store inventory, but found for Nick a set of little fire-figter figures; for Matt an Elmo See-and-Say, which will become annoying to the rest of us in minutes; and for Sakura, a Christmas Barbie. Ick. I hate the idea of Barbies, but little girls do seem to like to dress and undress them. They'll also each get a Clementine (orange), stick of cheese, goldfish crackers, John Deere fruit snacks, and a small candycane.

The presents are wrapped, the Christmas Eve bag packed with kids' jammies, sippy cups, bibs, diapers, gifts for the family. The  music is ready for tonight's Mass and tomorrow morning's. Our clothes are ironed. Our house is clean. The pies are baked. The kids are napping, as is Pat. Now if the rain would just turn to snow tomorrow ....

I received a Christmas card from friend and thelogian, Zeni. She acknowledged our Christmas card and commented, "There is room in your inn." That's a way of putting it that I can make into a mantra when the daily-ness of it all gets to me. Making room in our inn is a day-by-day, hour-by-hour kind of thing. Thank goodness for my fellow inn-keeper.

We'll soon be off and running for the rest of the day.

Blessed Christmas everyone.

Wednesday, December 23

Early Morning

On this first "we don't have to set the alarm" morning, I was awake at 5:30, took a leisurely shower - alone! - and when I got out Matt was calling me. Again reminded that the little table and chairs in front of the fire was an inspiration. I gave him a "first breakfast" of cheese, grapes and bread spread with butter and a little cinnamon, along with a half-cup of milk. He sat and ate, happy as a grig. (I don't know what a grig is, but children are as happy as in all the best old English novels.)

When I took out the ashes, I found it to be very mild ... and wet! Going to be a rainy, soppy Christmas I'm afraid. Have to think like "dogs and children," as CS Lewis says. They don't mind weather.

Today I will take Nick in to the doc to have his ears checked -- again! -- and I promised Pat to take Matt with me so he can have uninterrupted time to prepare mashed potatoes and dressing for the Christmas meal.

One reader asked for recipes after reading about my little pizzas. (December 10) I have to laugh. My best "recipe" is having a husband who is an awesome cook, keeps a one-acre bountiful garden, milks goats, and gathers eggs from his chickens. We eat well and very healthy.

I never give the children anything but water or milk to drink. We do keep orange or apple juice in the house and maybe three mornings a week they get about 4 ounces of juice. Most of the time it's water with meals. A little milk at breakfast or with a cookie before bed. NO juice boxes or pouches. Never soda. Drinkable sugar just seems the worst thing in the world to give a child. Or an adult, for that matter. They each have their own water cup in the door of the fridge and they can get a drink whenever they're thirsty. Nothing in those cups but water -- they get too gross with milk or juice.

On Sundays we have a big dinner, almost always with friend Mary and other family or friends. Pat cooks extra so that we have one or two meals of leftovers. He does that again once during the week and that pretty much takes care of the weeks' dinners. Eating fresh vegetables and fruits is more work than boxed, canned or saranned foods, and it may even be more expensive, but it's healthier and more satisfying. I think the only thing from a box we eat is Trader Joe's mac and cheese with their fish sticks. One of their staff turned me on to that meal and it's yummy, feeding the child within each of us.

Well, all are up now. Sakura playing in the basement; Nick at the table with legos; Matt crying because Nick won't share the legos; good - storm passed as we convinced Matt to join Sakura in the basement; Pat getting breakfast. Time to boogie.

Later Morning

Maybe no doc visit today. Nick seems on the mend. If he has a fever after nap, there is still tomorrow morning. Hard call.

Breakfast was waffles with peaches -- last summer's from the freezer.

Is there a better toy than Legos? Nick has been playing with them all morning, although he was unenthusiastic about his pic being taken. He's not fond of the flash. Yes, that's his Halloween "skeleton" shirt he's wearing. It's his over-the-top fave.

Finished the ironing - boy's dress shirts, shirt for Pat, two of mine, and the Christmas table cloth.

Two foreign dogs after our chickens this morning. As I was the one with shoes on, I chased 'em. Life in the country.

Early Afternoon

Haircuts all around. Pat figures we saved $36. And that prison camp look is in, too. Kids have been playing with their riding toys in the basement most of the morning. Lunch was leftover pasta for the boys and Sakura made her own sandwich. Pat and I made dressing, my role being to toss and toast the bread into croutons first.

Still Afternoon

All three were playing nicely together in the basement so Pat and I had a peaceful lunch and Scrabble game together. Then Sakura called, "Nana ... Matthew made a mess."

Indeed. He had somehow drug water from the edges of the basement and dumped it all over our drying sweet potatoes. Then all three stomped through the water, creating mud, and walked it all over the basement floor.

I gave Sakura a short talk on her role as the oldest, including a description of the work it takes to grow and harvest sweet potatoes.

This age is passing.

All napping now, including weary Papa.

Think I will, too -- along with Patches, our cat. (See photo below.

Wednesday, December 22

Morning

The last morning this year that everyone has to be up and out before dark! It was an awful morning. Last night I put a bag of stuff on the bottom step, intending to take it up to my study -- the only locked place, and therefore Matthew-proof, place in the house. Of course, Matt came down early, found the bag, opened Sakura's eyeglasses case and, for the second time in a week(!), bent the stem. I sat him on the step - hard! - and yelled at him until he was silent. Felt awful.

Then Nick was in a whiny, weepy mood about everything - going potty, couldn't find some teeny tiny ball he is now attached to, couldn't put on his shoes. Arrgghh.

As I drove Sakura to school, we agreed that Matthew was in a grabby stage and Nick in a whiny stage. I asked what stage she was in. "A cheerful stage," she said.

"And now, playing the role of the Good Kid ... Sakura Shortal! Tada." Sigh.

In BreadCo now, finishing up the program for Christmas Eve and waiting to go back to school to help with the first grade Christmas party. Then a holiday lunch with Sakura and Mary followed by Sakura's Christmas shopping. She buys everyone socks.

I think today is one minute longer than yesterday and the night one minute shorter. Come on, Light!!!

Evening

It turned out to be a lovely day despite the grouchy start. I helped with Sakura's first grade Christmas party, then took her to a "holiday lunch" at Bejing Chinese Buffet. We did her Christmas shopping -- socks for everyone -- then came home and wrapped presents before we went to pick up the boys. She is an easy companion.

When we got home they wanted to ride their trikes and scooters in the basement and so getting together a supper of leftovers together was easy-schmeezy. I'm grateful to Linda Z who suggested we let the kids ride around in the basement in the winter. It's warm enough with a sweatshirt and let's them roughhouse without sanction. There's a funny word - roughhouse.

Tomorrow's agenda is to go through toys, books, clothes to give away to baby Jesus. We'll put it all in a pile on Christmas Eve near the tree so that Santa will give it to other children. Only good stuff. The junk will be put on the Christmas Day bonfire along with the wrappings and other Christmas detritus.

I hope to instill in the Littles the practice that Pat has taught me -- or at least I'm trying to learn: For everything that comes into the house, something must leave. It only makes sense -- space is finite; stuff is infinite. Also finite is energy to take care of stuff. So ... something has to go.

Heard from a few readers -- some very touching notes. I appreciate the encouragement -- and the prayers! 

Monday, December 21

Winter Solstice

Today is the shortest of the year, followed by the longest night. And then ... the gradual brightening of the world. We need these feasts of light. I and my loved ones need Christmas.

This morning was not light-filled. The boys up and chattering and Sakura, the only one of us who had to be out, was dawdling big time. It isn't willful, just slow-moving from task to task when there isn't time to do so. Hate to keep rushing her. As it was, Pat got all three out the door on time, but without Nick's backpack full of extra clothes and diapers for both he and Matt, and somehow without Matt's coat. I guess the hooded sweatshirt was adequate.

At bedtime I pray with each child. First Matt in our bed after four books -- his current favorite is the legendary GOODNIGHT MOON and he repeats every phrase after me. Then Nick, after he reads his own boo - always about trains or trucks or fire engines. Then Sakura to whom I read a longer book after which we chat.

The prayers are just the Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be, followed by a blessing prayer for each. But I've been adding a request for their prayers that I be a good Nana. I feel so very impatient sometimes and I don't want to be, don't want it for me or for them (or for Pat, bless him!).

I'm listening to David M. Bailey's "NOTES." If you don't know his work, find him at www.davidmbailey.com.

One last thing before I move on to the work of today: if you are reading this, could you let me know sometime? I suspect I'm writing mostly for myself, but it would be nice to know if anyone out there is connecting. Just go to my Contact Paige Page

Stay light and bright today.

Late Afternoon

It's been a peaceful day, full of present-wrapping, good smells as Pat fixed chili and then baked sweet potatoes for Christmas. This year he grew the largest, reddest, sweetest sweet potatoes. We had a quiet lunch together and played Scrabble. (He beat me big time!) I even took a half-hour walk. The sun in the picture on WeatherUnderground was brighter than the sun in our sky, but it was good to be out in the air.

One not-so-peaceful moment: when I spied a mouse on the stove. I am so very GIRL when it comes to mice. Snakes, too. I'm just irrationally afraid - phobic, I suppose. I resolve that I won't be and I can look at it calmly as long as it's still, but as soon as it starts to skitter (or slither, in the case of snakes -- shudder!!!), I'm a mess. And I bellow the most UN-Nana like words!

Pat has gone to finish the Christmas dinner shopping and to pick up the kids, giving me two extra hours alone in the house to finish up Christmas preparations and get my study back to a place to write again instead of Santa's workshop. Nice to have some time at home alone -- with the mouse. Sigh.

Now It Is Evening

Pat brought the kids home about 5:00 -- all wired and weary -- dangerous combination. We had supper of leftover pasta (Thank you, Mr. John and Ms Carol!) and after supper, as is our custom, we opened Christmas cards together. There was a card to each child from Mommy. Sakura began to cry and said she missed Mommy. I held her for a few minutes, didn't try to talk her out of her feelings, didn't make any promises about the future, just held her. Then I said what I always say when this comes up: "I can't be Mommy; I can only be Nana."

She asked if we could send Mommy a card. I had some ready -- postcard pics of the kids in front of our tree -- and, much to my surprise, Sakura wrote out the whole thing, asking me how to spell only two words -- hope and miss. She was quite content after that.

Our bedtime story was to begin reading about Jesus' birth. I promised her last night that we would read from the New Testament beginning tonight and until Christmas. She, and both boys, went to sleep quite easily.

When Mommy is here for Christmas I anticpate a bit of regression the next day or two. I wonder if it would be wise to plan a short outing on December 26 -  a walk at the arboretum just to blow off steam. Or maybe Christmas calling on Great Grandma and visiting Great Grandpa's grave. He died on December 26 last year. Dad Shortal, pray for us.

Sunday, December 20

Late at Night

No time to write since yesterday morning. I miss the slower pace of my life BC - Before Children. Or maybe Between Children. Our nest wasn't empty for very long.

I'm not sleeping well. Not enough exercise or time outside. As my left ankle seems to be doing better, I may find a way to get at least a brisk walk in every day. I was unfairly irritated with Sakura this morning for waking me up -- twice -- well, actually, three times. Or four. Too many. It's tempting to forget that she's only six. I need to get better rest if I'm to be patient with the Littles.

Today was a typical Sunday -- church, lunch at home with friend Mary, a couple games of Scrabble while the kiddos did Read and Rest, some cooking -- a chocolate pie for dessert (I have a good recipe for homemade chocolate pudding in my goat milk cookbook) and carmel corn for gifts and the occasional snack -- like right now as I write. Bad Nana. Sakura was in and out, taking a long walk with Papa down to the tracks, excited by the little bit of snow. Nick is a by-the-fire boy -- not even tempted by the snow. Matt goes out, loses his mittens or gloves for gazillionth time and comes in with freezing fingers.

Tomorrow will be my last day at home without kids to get things ready for Christmas. I have a feeling I'm behind.

A quick word about the latest photos -- Snow Day Breakfast in front of the fire with Papa; Sakura during "Read and Rest" with my laptop, leaning on Elizabeth, her newest stuffed dog, gift from Miss Carol; Sakura, tired of being inside, dressed to go out with real dog, Alex; photo taken by Sakura of Nana and Aunt Bessie playing Scrabble. Living room isn't usually this neat. It's a happy room, though.

Saturday, December 19

Morning

Awoke to a dusting of snow -- maybe an inch total. Terribly exciting for the kids who insisted on going out in their pajamas -- and snow pants, warm socks, boots, sweatshirt, jacket, gloves, and hats. Sakura was so excited that she helped me get the boys' things together and they were all outside by 7:15! Nick was back in by 7:25, but Sakura and Matthew stayed out until their digits were frozen. Nothing like a hot breakfast after playing in the snow.

Pat and I went to his office Christmas party last night while Daddy babysat. The party was held at Cyranos in Webster Groves -- a lovely venue, even better meal, and good conversation with Brad and Ellen Baggs. He's been involved in a clinical study about reducing calories and the effect on aging. He was full of introducing information -- all the while chowing down pretty good on everything we ate. They have two kids, ages 10 and 7, and Ellen seems like an awesome mom. Fun to talk with moms who can advise and sympathize.

Home late and hoping to sleep in, but not to be. Still, being up with three happy kids without an agenda is a blessing.

Tonight - all of us to supper with friends, John and Carol.

Friday, December 18

Early Morning

Just couldn't write here yesterday. The editor of my Lent book sent me the proofs Wednesday afternoon and wanted them back Thursday by noon. Actually (hmmm, maybe that's why Sakura begins sentences with "Actually ...."), she wanted them back by early morning, but that just wasn't possible. Wednesday afternoon was picking up kids, preparing dinner, followed by choir practice and bed by 11:00. If it weren't for friend and cracker-jack proof-reader, Mary, I couldn't have sent back such clean galleys. At least most of the mistakes - the worst ones - were theirs, not mine.

Working is harder. I've been invited to serve as the Director of Liturgy for an Ignatian Conference in July 2011.  Pay is adequate, job most interesting, but I'm not sure. Living with three little variables makes it hard to commit and then there's dedicating July 2011 to this task instead of hanging with the kids. They'll be 4, 6 and 8 then - cool ages to just go places and do things. Still discerning.

Even to do what used to be so easy -- like the program for Midnight Mass -- I have to schedule that time in my study without kids.

And I feel like after maintenance -- food, clean beds, clean clothes, clean bodies, driving to and from school, the paperwork of school (!!!) -- I have almost no time just to BE wit them. I find I'm trying to short Matthew one book at night or skip longer pages of text with Sakura and, because Nick is so content to go to his bed alone and look at a book, we're not reading to him enough.

I guess I miss being their Nana.

Ooops. Matt is crying ... again. They've all three been wakeful since 4:00. More later.

Later

Kept Nick home with a slight fever, but sent Matt and Sakura to school. Nick is my low-maintenance child. Spent the day playing at the table in front of the fire with beads, then a little toy his teacher gave him yesterday, drawing, all the while singing to himself or keeping up this running commentary that didn't require response. He's very happy without the extroverted demands of his brother and sister. Probably doesn't get enough time like that.

Going out tonight -- Pat's office Christmas dinner. Should be pleasant.

Wednesday, December 16

Early Morning

Sakura came to our bed about 4:00 and I realized I was slept out. Comes from falling asleep on the couch at 9:00 PM, I guess.

I remember when my boys were young that 4:00 - 6:00 AM was my time of the day to write. It's cozy - in front of the wood fire, tree lit, hearing the occasional  night sounds of the people I love the most in the world. I do love knowing they are safe and cozy in their beds -- or someone's bed, as the case may be.

I think Nick may have another ear infection. Will call the doc today. He will have tubes put in his ears in January. We've lost count of how many diagnosed ear infections this year and God only knows the number of UNdiagnosed. He doesn't complain of pain.

Hope to find my card-reader today so that I can insert more photos.

Time to stoke the fire. It's 16 degrees right now, but clear and lots of stars visible. Are all kids star-struck? Ours are. Matthew loves to say Goodnight to the moon and stars before he goes to bed and it was the first thing Sakura whispered to me when she came to our bed this morning: "Nana, look at the stars!" Lovely.

Tuesday, December 15

Morning

A poor night's sleep for me and Pat. Matt crying in the night for the second night in a row. He's almost two-and-a-half and I suppose the right age for nightmares and monsters in the closet. I do okay after one sleep-deprived night; Pat not so much. And he works in St. Louis today.

I've lost my card reader that I use to insert photos on this page. I've lost it or it's been "Matthewed." Anything lying around is fair game and it doesn't have to be for long or even in the wrong spot.

It took me a while to figure out why Nick loves bags and other containers in which he carries around his precious possessions of the moment. He doesn't want Matt to get them. Nick also insists on sleeping with a variety of objects including his slippers, robe, a book or two, his "snakey" - the grossest stuffed animal in the house - and several small vehicles, including his "snow cloud" (snow plow). I've tried removing the items in the middle of the night, but if he awakes and finds them gone missing, he wails.

I try not to wish away any current "phase," but I confess I look forward to ...  1. no diapers; 2. everyone buckling their own seat belt, zipping their own zippers, tying their own shoes; 3. reasoning with Matthew.

This way lies danger. I don't want to wish away the last of Matthew's babyhood or Nick's last bit of toddler-hood. Too precious. (But still -- 4, 6, 8 sounds easier than 2, 4, 6!)

Oh, speaking of diapers -- Nick has just about toilet-trained himself. If you can stand just a few lines of potty-talk: he hasn't pooped in his diaper in two weeks and he's dry most of the time. Woohoo!

Time to start the day. All in school or daycare today while I write my next column, finish the Christmas shopping, and figure out how to get a tiny blood stain out of the new living room rug. Patches-the-Cat enjoyed a delicious mouse on our carpet. Ewwww.

Monday, December 14

Morning

That great sucking sound was Pat and all three children leaving the house. Great weekend, but ... whew!

Today is about organizing. Christmas party at Creative Kids for which the boys each need a $5 gift for another boy the same age. Nick's school needs gifties by tomorrow for their Holiday Boutique. Sakura needs a red or green shirt for free-dress day on Friday, although, thanks to friend Mary, her seven "unwrap relay boxes" are wrapped. Don't ask! And then there are Christmas gifts to wrap for home and the Shortal gathering, Christmas meals to plan, etc. No different than most folks during this season, but more challenging with little ones living here. More fun, too.

Pat and I have both been having back issues. Lots of kid lifting, shifting, zipping, tying, changing, bathing, adjusting -- all in a compromised position. We need to find a way to get with our walking group again.

Christmas music playing and off we go. Have a great day everyone.

Sunday, December 13

Third Sunday of Advent - Gaudete Sunday

Morning

Well, not so much a peaceful night. Storms with lots of thunder and lightning throughout the night. A frightened Sakura appeared about 9:30 so I put her in our bed with Matthew. When it came time for us to go to bed, we put Matt in his bed, as usual, made up the loveseat for Sakura and I took the couch so she wouldn't be alone. Hope Pat slept well in bed -- he needed the sleep and the rest for his back.

Today is Mass, followed by lunch with Mary here, then we put up the tree if it's not too soggy - wish we had taken it in yesterday - and friend Judy will be coming over in the afternoon. She's giving Mommy a ride from Mannwells  to have dinner with us. She hasn't seen the boys since the Saturday before Thanksgiving when I set up a little lunch for them.

Read a lovely book to Sakura last night: Christmas in the Country by Cynthia Rylant. About a little girl who grew up with her grandparents. The house is so  much like ours -- small and white with a dormer where the little girl sleeps, and a wood stove in the living room. Living with grandparents seems normal. I recommend it to others in our situation.

Evening

A pleasant Sunday and the sun even peeped out. Mass was lovely. Pat sang the verses of LIKE A SHEPHERD and sounded very true, very confident. We brought friend Mary home with us and ate lunch, bit of rest, but no one napped, and then brought  our tree in to decorate. It's a Charlie Brown tree we cut on our place, but lovely once it was all decorated -- as all Christmas trees are.

Friend Judy came over and brought ornaments for the kids and these cool glasses that make the lights look like snowmen or stars or snowflakes. The kids loved them. She stayed for our dinner of homemade stew, bread and peach crisp.

Mommy didn't come after all. Someone called in and she chose to work instead. I thought the kids would be upset, but they rolled with it. Spent the evening getting ready for a full school week.

Saturday, December 12

Our Lady of Guadalupe

Afternoon

Slept in until 6:30 - awakened by the Matt alarm - Papa! Nina!

Last night's Christmas party at the home of Doris and Al was much fun. Just good people eating, drinking, playing dominoes, laughing a lot. Sakura took a pic of us before we went out - me in my new Christmas kurta, Pat wearing his dad's leather jacket which Sakura pronounced, "nice and rubbery." (The inscription over the arch reads, "Practice hospitality for by so doing some have entertained angels unawares.")

She also took the picture of Nick sitting at the table with the doodle. That little table and chairs was a great buy, especially for this season when it's cold. They sometimes eat breakfast there or when we have fireside supper. Niis ck always in the blue chair, Matt in the green, Sakura in the red.

This morning's task was to take three goats - Moon, Easter and Annie - to friend Michelle's for breeding with Frosty the randy buck. We brought home Sparkle and her little guy, Max (who has been fixed so he doesn't get to play the buck role - nor does he get to smelling goaty - a smell you don't want around milk!). Took a picture of Matt in his carseat with Annie peering over the back seat.

After the goats were all in there rightful places, we walked around our property and chose a small fir for our Christmas tree. Pat cut it down and then we came in and ate lunch. Now all are down for R&R. Boys went to sleep fast. Sakura and I on our laptops near the fire. Delicious.

Evening

While the boys were still napping I went to the Dollar Store and Finks to shop for gift boxes to wrap for the first grade "Unwrap Relay Race" as well as gifts for the Union school holiday boutique, all due this week. When I got home the boys were squirrely and Pat at the end of his rope. Matt was especially rambunctious and the boys were fighting over everything. I was able to distract them for a while, but Matt was still whiney and loud most of the evening. I think they were all tired. All in bed and asleep by 8:05. Clothes ready for church tomorrow. May they sleep soundly and long!  Pat and I are going to watch TRADING PLACES, a favorite Christmas comedy.

Friday, December 11

Morning

Is there anything so restorative as a good night's sleep? All is possible when one is well-rested. Kids are stirring. Time to spring into action. Interesting to have that TGIF feeling again.

Afternoon

Pleasant morning alone with Nick. Sakura in school and Pat took Matt with him on errands. Time with just one is precious.

Nick's teacher, Mrs. Speaks (no, not his speech teacher -  that would be just too good), came for a home visit. Very pleasant. Nick was excited to show her his room, toys, the goats, etc. Very sweet. She's the perfect pre-K teacher -- gentle, precise, energetic. Forgot to get a pic with her. Rats!

Lunch and now R&R (Read and Rest). Later must take the boys for their H1N1 booster shot, pick up Sakura, and then get ready to go out - with adults! - to friends, Al and Doris, for a Christmas party. Daddy will babysit. Looking forward to it. Did I mention it's with adults?!

A reader wrote describing her situation - she and her husband have taken in a Great Grandchild - 6 months old. She wrote, "God has a sense of humor when a 68 year old carries the baby and a 78 year old carries the diaper bag." Is that perspective tapping me on the shoulder?

Another reader wrote about being raised in her grandparents' home and what a turn for the better her life took because of them. I hope that's how our grands feel. So far I do believe they are blessing us as well. Advent takes on a whole new sheen when there are Littles about.

Thursday, December 10

A Seriously Cold Morning!

Awoke to frosty windows, but sunny skies. Put the kids in footy flannel pajamas last night and they were thrilled with them. Wouldn't have minded a pair myself.

Everyone got breakfast this morning - thanks to Pat who prepared oatmeal and bacon. Sakura always prefers a "car breakfast" and is allowed to choose leftovers. Today her breakfast was a few pieces of pork and six brussel sprouts. It's her favorite, I kid you not.

Writing at BreadCo until it's time to pick up Sakura from school this afternoon. A lovely way to spend a wintery day.

Evening

A productive, focused, thoroughly satisfying day. Wrote at BreadCo from 8:30 to about 2:30. Finished work for Celebration and addressing all out-of-town Christmas cards. Picked up Sakura, taking Mary with me, and delivered them both to Mannwells where Sakura visited with Mommy. I got my hair cut, picked up groceries, delivered coffee to a friend, and then back to Mannwells where I visited, too. Invited Mommy to dinner on Sunday.

Re using "Mommy and Daddy" instead of their names. Just an attempt at discretion.

Home with Sakura and the boys was delightfully easy. Fixed them homemade pizzas, soup and carrot sticks for dinner. They ate in front of the fire in their jams and then easy bed.

I prepare batches of child-sized pizza shells and freeze them. Combined with Trader Joe's bruschetta and shredded mozzarella, maybe a few olives, tuna, corn - whatever I have on hand - 8 minutes in the toaster oven and it's a good meal.

Took a cute pic of Sakura on her head next to the upside-down snowman.

Wednesday, December 9

Early Morning

No one is up yet. Sakura came to our bed about 1:00 AM because of the wind. It IS windy -- gusting to 45 according to Weather Underground. I can hear it all around the house.

Sakura was restless so I moved to the couch and she settled down. I'll be sleep-deprived today, but maybe I can catch a nap.

I don't much like wind.

Noon

Heard from Dan - I mean, Moises - and was overcome with envy - but only for a moment. He and Maureen are extending their stay in Guatemala until mid-January. I am so grateful that I have traveled a lot and seen so much. Saying Yes to one road - in this case, raising the three grands - means saying No to other roads. Hard to accept sometimes.

Still windy, but peaceful as the kids are in school and daycare today. Nice to be at home with Pat for a day. Lunch and Scrabble coming up.

Oh, about the photos: My mother sent the children a Refrigerator Magnet Snowman. Yes, Nicky is pantless. The third pic is of vegetables from the garden - a wonderful winter crop of kale, turnips, carrots, and brussel sprouts. We've also been eating a lot of pumpkin, just left in the fields around town. These are economically hard times, but it's hard to believe that during the depression pumpkins would have been left to rot. Such good, healthy food. Of course, I have Pat to thank for both showing me the goodness of eating this way and preparing it so well. I do some cooking, but he's the Master.

Monday, December 7

Pearl Harbor Day

Morning

A flawless morning -- no rushing, no nagging. Even Sakura noticed and asked if we couldn't make every morning like this one. To not rush, Sakura, Matthew and I have to be on the road by 7:00. It's early, but do-able. And in two more weeks the days will be getting gradually longer.

Saw a flag at half-mast as we drove in and talked to Sakura about Pearl Harbor. She was aghast that we were once at war with Japan. Her name is Cherry Blossom in Japanese. I told her that we once were enemies, but now we're friends and we have to pray for that same thing with Iraq and Afghanistan. She asked if "old people" were killed in war. I told her yes, and young people, too, even children. She looked utterly shocked. Why do we lose that?

Sunday, December 6

Happy St. Nicholas Day

Afternoon

The kids awoke early and ran downstairs to check their shoes. Each received gifties from St. Nicholas: a toy, a wrapped piece of candy, and a pair of magic socks -- put them in water and they grow into very usable cotton socks. The toy is a simple piece of corrugated plastic tubing that so far has been a whistle, telephone, sword, necklace, bracelet, train coupled with each other, and more I haven't figured out yet. I love these toys without a set purpose.

Mass was lovely, Fr. S. giving me enough material for my April column. We delivered St. Nick gifts - photos of the kids to Godparents and others who have been especially helpful since we began our caregiving.

Tonight we'll have Bob, Nate, Daddy and Fr. S. to dinner, along with Mary, who spends most Sundays with us.  Should be a nice St. Nick dinner.

Latest pics (left) include the kids on the tire swing, Nick playing with blocks, Sakura putting together a floor puzzle of the USA, and later, doing "yoga" with her brothers. Finally, the weird plastic tubes that are such a hit. Here they are torturing Aunt Bessie, Good Old Sport that she is.

Evening

A lovely St. Nick's Dinner for ten. Our children have gotten very civilized at the dinner table. Well, okay, Nick did announce that he had to go poop and then, afterwards, pointedly tell each person individually that he had indeed gone poop IN THE POTTY!!! Maybe not table talk, but it's a big deal around here right now.

Kids went to bed easily, but we did get Sakura and Nick out of bed to come out and see the first snow. Just a flurry, but there's something so great about the first snow of winter.

We're ready for the school week, but only because yesterday was so relaxed. Must remember that.

Saturday, December 5

Morning

Ah, Saturday! Today dawned clear, bright and very cold -- 19 degrees. Good to have the wood fire and a hot breakfast.

Saturday used to mean getting up for a quick bite, donning our walking shoes and seasonally appropriate outerwear, and joining our walking buddies on the riverfront trail in Washington, followed by coffee and the hilarity that results from an endorphin-induced high. I miss you guys!

Now Saturday is the break from the morning rush to get out the door to school or church. Today Sakura and I were supposed to join the Daisy Scouts to carol in a local nursing home. But my cold prevents me and she was delighted to stay home. I awoke to the sounds of them playing and singing the Chipmunk's Christmas song. Sakura and Pat cooked breakfast with Sakura fixing the scrambled eggs by herself and mostly unsupervised.

I think I underestimate children. Yesterday we had a visit from Teresa of Parents As Teachers. Good, smart woman, former NICU nurse at St. John's, where Sakura was born at 2.5 pounds! Teresa evaluated Matthew and gave me material to indicate what we could expect from our 24-36 month old child. I think of him as "the baby" and I'm astounded at what he could be doing at this age. He's a bit closer to the mark than Nick was at the same age, but still not where he could be. Nick is catching up so fast to his age group that I think most of their delay is environment induced. Hopefully we wil lmake a difference.

Teresa showed me different activities to encourage Matt to learn his colors, increase his vocabulary, develop certain motor skills. As she did so I felt a wearyness settle in. More? There's more I should do?

I feel a tug within me. On the one hand, I'm willing to provide shelter, food, clothes, bed, routine, and LOVE, but let others -- strangers?! -- take care of their education and development. I'm ashamed of it, but that tug is pretty strong.

The other tug is to surrender to this life of child-rearing. To what end? Competing well in Kindergarten? Success in later life? I suppose. But also to tease out and nurture the seed of the person they are meant to be. There will always be weeds, and as the parable teaches us, sometimes they're hard to distinguish from the flower, but ... with attention perhaps the flower can be encouraged amidst the weeds of this world.

I can't think about the next fifteen years. But maybe I can think about one year or even until Nick and Matt are in full time school. That's do-able, yes?

Yikes.

Afternoon

I may have to begin protecting Saturdays. This has been such a restorative day. The kids played outside, looking like bright exotic birds in their winter garb. They played on the tire swing, went down to "peeper pond" with Papa and watched the ice crack, cut up an old pumpkin with a hoe and some scissors, climbed on the woodpile. Matt came in cold and tired, ate a rolled up pancake and some yogurt and fell asleep on Pat's shoulder. The rest of us had leftovers for lunch and now all are enjoying a Read & Rest  - Pat napping on the floor, the boys in beds, Sakura and I on couches iwth our laptops. We'll bake cookies this afternoon, get clothes ready for the week, wrap a few little St. Nicholas surprises, maybe including homemade carmel corn.  Fun.

Friday, December 4

Happy Birthday, Brother Tony!

Morning

Sitting in Mannwells Coffee House for a few stolen moments before I head back home to relieve Pat who is watching the boys.

Drove Sakura to school. Late again. Somehow I have to find a way to make her responsible for her time in the morning. I remember that I made that switch with the sons when they were young and we went from nagging, argumentative mornings to them just getting themselves up and out. But I can't remember what I did! It'll come to me. I hope. Or maybe I should ask them.

I called youngest son to ask what mistakes I made when he was young so that I could avoid them now. His response? Oh, Mom, I'm having a good day - I don't want to think about that!

So I tried a different tack -- Well, what did I do right that I should be sure to do again? He was thoughtful - Well, you taught us right from wrong. And I think it's good that the kids get outside a lot. Oh, and you made religion class really easy.

Hmmm.

I'm under the weather -- cough, full head. Tomorrow I'm supposed to go with Sakura and her Daisy Scout troop to carol in the local nursing home. I offered to lead the carols. Thought seriously of canceling as I'm not sure I can get through a carol and I also feel that we need a day at home without an agenda.

But, then I remember my rule:  "Do what you say you're going to do." It's a good rule -- avoids all the energy it takes to re-make decisions and it allows people to trust that I will do what I say I'm going to do. So ... unless I'm hacking away, I'll be there.

Time to move along.

Tuesday, December 1

7:30 AM

They awoke easily this morning with the promise that they could open the first doors on their Advent calendars, gifts from friend Carol. Sakura also gets to count the days on the snow man calendar that Great-Grandma Ouida (my mom) sent to us.

Would that for the next 24 days the prospect of counting down the days to Christmas is so exciting that they'll hop out of bed. Hmmm. Don't think so.

Highlights of the morning: Nick awoke dry - proud. Nick couldn't find Cookie Monster Bib and had to wear Elmo Bib to keep oatmeal off his school clothes - devastated. Matt and Sakura were relatively sanguine.

Today marks three months since the grands moved in full time. Those first weeks were real corkers -- couldn't get Matthew to bed before 10:00, couldn't get them up without much weeping. We were tired all the time and angry, too -- at the situation, at each other for handling it differently, at our children for "doing this to us."

We seem to have let all that go. I can't speak for Pat, but I see a change in him -- a calm acceptance which is in keeping with his general approach to life.  I've somehow realized a change of attitude -- that this is what I'm "called" to do with my life now, so much so that I can't remember what else I thought I was going to do. It's as if we were being made ready for this very circumstance -- our home, our hearts. Go figure.

Evening

Challenging evening. We promised the kids that after supper we would all go out for our monthly Full Moon Celebration. We put quilts on the trampoline and all lay down to look at the sky. Sakura was being recalcitrant about everything -- her bath, her homework, then refusing to dry her hair. I threatened several times to not let her go out and then finally heard myself -- empty threats. So I gave a final, firm, clear warning and then kept my word. Oh my. She threw a fit and I realized that I've not been as good on follow-through with her. One of her teachers told me a few months back that she sometimes acts as if the rules don't apply to her. I saw that clearly tonight. And I know why. It HURTS me to see her disappointed.

She went to her room, furious and fussing, and Pat and I took the boys out for our Full Moon Celebration. After I put the boys to bed, I went to her room and asked for permission to enter. She welcomed me with open arms and I read her a book, cuddled a bit and we said our prayers. Whew!

I'm better at this than I was the first time around.

Monday, November 30

10:00 AM

Flawless morning. Kids bright-eyed and moving along, happy to go back to school. Matthew had a brief meltdown when he couldn't have any cheese. I'm suspecting a dairy intolerance so starting a week or so without. Hard, as he loves milk, cheese, yoghurt.

I'm enjoying a self-indulgent morning with Pat at DSI and the kids at school / daycare. One agenda is to prepare music for Christmas season Masses. Nice to have one focused task. And such a pleasant one, too.

Hope your day is just as pleasant. More later. 

3:00 PM

Have I mentioned that the two boys are still in diapers? Nick is 4+ and the window was kind of missed on his training. He's getting somewhat better about the poop business, although I wonder if we're not making too big a deal of it. After his last potty pooping he said, "You're very proud." Hmmm. I allowed as how I am, but I don't want to go over the top. I do give him three, and only three, M&Ms when he poops in the potty. Is that over the top? It's working, for the most part. 

Matthew does NOT like being wet and DOES like undressing himself - a LOT!

Note to self: In the future check all laundry baskets for disposable diapers. Amazing what a mess it makes, especially when washed with concert blacks and Pat's dark sweater. Fuzz city. Three wash cycles and two dryer cycle later, there isn't too much stuff to pick off. Sigh.

When my boys were small we used cloth diapers and I don't remember that washing them was a big burden. It certainly saved us a ton of money -- about $20 a week -- not to mention the landfill. But, we had in-home care provided by our sainted Kathleen. Preschools and daycare institutions won't take kids in cloth diapers.

I think that's all I want to write about that subject for the moment, but do know that it's a pretty big deal around here. This too shall pass. Pun intended. Sigh again.

Sunday, November 29

2:00 PM

Sunday afternoons are another favorite time. We church at 10:00 Mass at St. Francis Borgia Parish, then come home with family friend Mary aka Aunt Bessie. After our weekly stop at Krakow Store, we come home for lunch of soup and sandwich and then all enter our Read and Rest Period. We women take over the living room while the men go to the bedrooms. After 30 minutes or so we will bake cookies and a chocolate pie for dinner's dessert. It's just such a peaceful, predictable time.

We live in a time of Many Options when the exception is more common than the rule. I think we underrate routine -- the comfort, the necessity, especially for children. What a difference it makes to count on sitting down to dinner together, each at their own place at the table; to bathe, listen to a book, say prayers, sleep in a clean bed wearing comfortable night clothes. None of it takes much money and seems to me to demand less time and energy, too. With routine, the exceptions really are fun -- like last night's supper around the bonfire.

Time for cookies!

Evening

It was the perfect Sunday. The kids played outside from the time they awoke from their naps until dark. It was cold, but we bundled them. Sakura came inside to help me with cookies for a bit. Then she was out on the trampoline or ranging around on our property. Pat was outside cutting wood so he's always within earshot. Mary and I even got in a game of Scrabble. Put up the Christmas stockings and let the kids find their First Sunday of Advent treat -- simple color-by-number books with crayons. They colored after dinner until bed. All asleep by 8:00. Tomorrow starts the school week.

Appreciate the nice comments about this GranDiary. A little concerned that I'm playing the martyr. I mean, we're just raising three little kids that we love as our own -- who ARE our own, I guess (inasmuch as any child is one's "own").

The difference between us and most parents is ... okay, the obvious, we're seriously older!

And our new status was unexpected.

Well ... maybe the unexpected is something we're supposed to accept more gracefully. It's not in our plans where we usually find grace. It's in the unexpected bump in the road, yes?

Saturday, November 28

8:30 AM

For several years we walked every Saturday morning and the good, fun folks with whom we walked still meet. We miss them. We did three half-marathons together, but the  most fun was walking the six-mile river trail in Washington (three out, three back) and then sitting in Mannwells Coffee Shop drinking good coffee and eating scones or blueberry muffins. Later in the morning, Pat and I would walk down to the Farmers' Market  or do other errands. Sometimes we'd pick up the grands and bring them back to play at our house.

Sound a bit wistful, don't I? This morning I feel like the roles are reversed. Daddy spent yesterday with the kiddos, bought them each a toy, played with them, fed them pizza for dinner. He's doing the grandparent fun stuff and we're parenting.

My friend, Usha, emailed from India: "Does this mean your January visit to India is off?"

Well, yes it does. I had a trip booked, all with frequent flyer miles, to Damascus to stay with friend Gabe, and then on to India where I was going to work with the CFCA (Christian Foundation for Children and Aging) effort in Hyderabad, followed by two weeks just messing about with friends in Bangalore, Whitefield, Pondicherry. Cancelling this trip is  the one thing I've had trouble accepting and I've still not made the call. There's no deadline -- I can cancel up to the day of the trip and I can also recover my miles, enough to fly the five of us anywhere within the U.S. or Canada.

I promised myself I'd cancel it right after the guardianship was legal. I'll do it Monday.

Sigh.

It's important not to look at what once was or what we thought would be. Instead, I consciously try to embrace the blessings of this new life. Even when there's a rather suspicious thump sounding from upstairs followed by wailing. It's Matthew. The Many Moods of Matthew.

1:00 PM

After a morning of readying the house for the First Sunday of Advent and the kids playing outside in the 60+ degree weather and lunch outside on the patio (this is Missouri in late November, not Florida!), it's R&R time -- Read and Rest. Nick goes to his bed with a book and usually naps. If Pat's home, as he is today, he goes up with him and reads a story and dozes. Matthew goes to our bed with a book and always naps. Sakura goes to the "little couch" for her only "screen time" of the day, usually pbskids.org on  my small laptop. I'm on the other couch with my laptop. "Two women with laptops," Sakura calls us.

I've been thinking about Usha's comment regarding the writing in this GranDiary: "This time there is a searching as well as finding."

She's so right, at least about the searching. I write to know what I think, even to know what I know. I appreciate her for noticing.

Evening

It was the perfect evening. After naps I took all three grands to Aunt Florence's -- a friend of the family who buys milk and eggs from us. (We have goats and chickens.) When we came home, Pat had chili and turkey sandwiches ready and a bonfire blazing. We ate by the fire and then the kids ran around the yard with their flashlights.

Toy Tip: $1 flashlights with rechargeable batteries -- lots of bang for your buck.

After baths, we read one of the Christmas books I got out of the attic today. THE CHRISTMAS BOX, inscribed to Philip, Christmas, 1986. Their daddy was just Nick's age. Hard to believe I'm reading that same book again.

So blessed.

Friday, November 27

8:30 AM

A morning without agenda is such a gift these days. Another gift is living again with such a strong sense of the days of the week. Self-employed people without children hardly care if it's Saturday or Monday. Now we live again by the school calendar.

I received an email from oldest son, Dan and his wife (of one month), Maureen. They married on October 16, celebrated with family and friends at a funky, cool, totally fun reception on November 17, and left for Guatemala on Monday. They'll spend two weeks "honeymooning" and then two weeks visiting Dan's sisters.

I should mention that he is also reuniting with his given name, Moises (Moses in English). He hopes to make his new legal name Moises Daniel Byrne Mayen and Maureen will become Maureen Ellen Mayen. I'm pleased that he is finding ways to unite his two cultures.

Moises (feels funny to call him that) was adopted when he was ten and, at that time, insisted on a new name. I insisted he keep the names his  mother gave him so he has both.

I suppose all of this info doesn't fit in a GranDiary, BUT ... my next grandchildren will most likely come from these two. I have confidence in their marriage and in their ability to parent.

Time to move along. Pat and I have a date day planned -- just grocery shopping at our favorite Trader Joes, dinner at the Tap Room for which we have a Gift Card, maybe  a Borders Run. We'll avoid the Black Friday hotspots. Daddy is coming to be with the kids all day and into the evening. A luxury for us.

Evening

Pat and I are at Borders which now has free WiFi - yes! What an amazing world our grands are inheriting -- the possibility of chatting in real time with people anywhere in the world; access to almost any book ever written, any movie ever made, old TV shows (the funny, clever ones when there were more storylines than S*E*X and the jokes were funnier). Gosh, do I sound like a grandmother or what? 

Much is easier, but much is harder, too. Maybe that's part of the answer to the question of why more children are living with their grandparents. A 20-year-old body is ready to bear children, but very few twenty-somethings are ready to negotiate this complex world.

More on that later. Now I'm going to dinner with my husband. Fun to be  out on Black Friday without an agenda. Hope the merchants who depend on this day to "get in the black" make their goal. Tough time to be in business. 

Thanksgiving Day, Thursday, November 26

11:00 AM

My first -- and I hope last -- thought for today: I'm grateful to be so grateful. I hope you are, too.

The morning started with its  usual bang -- dressing three kids for 9:00 Thanksgiving Mass, packing play clothes, warm clothes, pajamas, our food offerings for the meal at Pat's sister's home. I took less for a month traveling in India!

I'm thinking about how to raise grateful children. There is a sense of entitlement that is pervasive in our culture. I'm thinking the only antidote to the gimmees is gratitude. Before gratitude is possible, one needs to be a noticing person, aware of the ready abundance available and along with that, the experience of contentment.

It's time to roll. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Evening

Matthew is asleep, and I suspect Nick as well. Sakura will wait until I come up to say prayers with her. Thanksgiving dinner at Kathy's was lovely - 15 of us in all. First Thankgiving without Pat's Dad and, of course, the absence of the children's parents was notable, although the kiddos didn't seem upset by it. I had prepped Sakura. Daddy was working and Mommy's ride fell through at the last minute.

It's the beginning of Advent and Christmas season, too. We listened to Christmas music in the car and ooohed over the decorated houses. It will be a blessing, sharing Christmas with children again.

Yet another reason to be grateful.

Wednesday, November 25

9:00 AM

A heaven with a whole crowd of folks who have "become like little children" is ... well ... misnamed.

Oh, I love 'em to pieces, don't get me wrong, but Little Children are selfish little beasts, no way around it. They want what they want when they want it and pointing out that "I am up to my elbows in your little brother's poop" is not going to dissuade a four-year-old from insisting that you fix his engine (for the gazillionth time) right now! Please Nana!!! Sigh.

3:00 PM

The circumstances and events that led to our Second Time Around status are, as you can imagine, private and painful. Mistakes were made.

I've been writing about my family for years and a few times I've crossed the line -- writing about the painful, private moments without enough care for all concerned. I don't want to make that mistake now. Not only are my son and daughter-in-law two people I care about very much, but their children may someday read these words. And then there's the whole inlaw situation. When one set of grandparents assumes custody of the grandchildren, "the other side" gets understandably nervous.

So how does a writer address private, painful matters in a way that is real and relevant without crossing that ever-so-delicate line? I don't have an answer for that question -- just thought it would be good to let you know that I'm not oblivious to the issue.

Evening

There are several moments I look forward to every day. Like the smell and feel of the children, wrapped up in their towels after their baths. All that low-mileage skin! And reading to them as they snuggle against me, leaning closer and closer with each page of the book.

Bedtime has become easier. Each of the Bigs goes up stairs to his/her room with a book and about ten minutes later I go up, negotiate the I need my night-light / drink of water / just ten more minutes conversation and then say prayers with them. Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and my blessing which goes something like: God bless (Sakura, Nicky, Matthew) with sweet dreams and good sleep so that they awake bright and strong for the work of tomorrow. Amen.

We discovered, after the first hair-pulling weeks, that Matthew falls asleep more easily away from his brother and sister so we put him in our bed, say prayers with him and there is no fuss.

Which brings me to the moment that is perhaps my favorite: When it's time to take Matthew upstairs to his bed, Pat picks him up, always whispering the same words, "Here we go Big Boy" and he's so gentle with him, so loving. We take him upstairs, turn down his bed, check on Nick, then Sakura, and then one of us says, "Sure is easier now, isn't it?" Amen. 

Paige Byrne Shortal

Tuesday, November 24

6:30 AM

Today we will become legal guardians of our three grandchildren: Sakura, age 6; Dominic, age 4; and Matthew, age 2. They moved in on September 1 with all their baggage -- care bears, loads of tiny cars, toilet training issues, and big-time confusion contained in little hearts and minds. 

Since then I've met so many grandparents raising their grandchildren. The 2000 U.S. Census reports that 6.3% of US children under 18 -- that's four-and-a-half million children -- live in grandparent-headed households. In 2005, a survey by the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren had risen to nearly six million kids or about 8 percent of kids in the U.S.

Why? Why the growing trend? What happened? In this "GranDiary" I'll try to explore those questions and record what our lives are like now that we're part of that trend.

Never wanted to be trendy, but look at me now!

12:30 PM

It's done. We're now legal guardians. The hearing took six minutes. I'm relieved to have the papers in our possession.

It seems like there should be some sort of ritual to celebrate something so momentous. Lacking that, we went to the library where I found a couple more books by Cynthia Rylant. Sakura enjoys her books about old Mr. Putter and his old cat, Tabby. And, of course, books for the boys about trucks and fire engines. Then home to an unusually quiet house  where we ate Pat's homemade vegetable soup, fresh baked cornbread and hot tea. And then a nap. It's rare that we are both at home without a child or three.

When I told Sakura that we were going to be her guardians and started to explain, she interrupted to say, "Nana, I KNOW what a guardian is ... it's like a guardian angel!" That's something to live up to.

The judge gave us a little speech at the end of the hearing, suggesting that we will be challenged by the task of being both parents and grandparents to our kids. He's right. The grandparent role is slipping away. That saddens me a bit.

But I have to be careful about going there. This is only hard -- well unbearably hard -- when I give in to feeling cheated or resentful. Right now, after good soup and a nap, anything seems possible and I feel capable ... and blest.

GranDiary 2009 Fall

For curent entry go to

GranDiary Lent 2010

Wednesday, December 2

Morning

Smooth morning. The promise of counting the days to Christmas with the Advent calendars still motivates Sakura. Pat, God love him(!), took Matthew with him on errands to pick up goat feed. Home alone in front of the fire. Charlie Brown Christmas CD playing (thank you,  Doris and Al). Peaceful.

I've been thinking about wailing. When did we lose the ability to wail? A child can break into loud wails and sobs as if she has lost her best friend.

There's a clue there. We haven't so much lost our ability to wail as we have gained perspective. A child will wail over a broken toy or thwarted plan to go outside or being denied M&Ms before supper. A teenager will wail over a bad hair day. A 20-something will wail over what someone said about her on facebook. And so on. As we get older, we gain perspective.

At least I hope so.

What makes me wail?

Afternoon

Nap time. I hear Nick playing quietly upstairs in his room. Matt fell asleep in our bed. Pat's on the living room floor with a heating pad and sore back. Very unusual for him. Hope it heals quickly and doesn't go chronic. We rely so much on each other and our abilities. Hard to imagine either of us becoming incapacitated for very long.

I spent the morning clearing out the cedar chest, deciding on what to give away. Part of the secret of making this work -- a big part -- is not having too much. So many families are overwhelmed by the amount of stuff they have to maneuver and this seems especially true when there are kids. They bring home a ton of stuff from school every single day. They have clothes, toys, books.

Our rule -- the rule we aspire to follow, anyway -- is that something leaves the house for everything brought in. Closets, drawers, shelves -- all are finite and simply cannot handle an infinite amount of stuff. Our time and energy is finite, too.  Stuff, in the real world, not the mathematical world, is infinite. So we have to exercise discipline and vigilance to keep encroaching stuff from taking over our lives. More on that, especially as Christmas approaches.

Thursday, December 3

Morning

I'm writing from our local Bread Company, sitting across from friend Mary (MEW). We have regular K.I.T.C.H. sessions (Keester In The Chair Honey). In this venue I can write well and fast and it helps that MEW is opposite me doing the same thing.

Another smooth morning. I guess we're figuring this out. Nick hasn't wet the bed in a week or more. No one cried. All were on time. Sakura loves the Advent Calendars and that gets her going in the morning. She was also excited about wearing her new SFB sweatshirt. It's the little things.

It really is, actually -- the little things, the simple things. Enough sleep in a clean bed; good food eaten in a peaceful environment with people you love; comfortable, appropriate clothes, ready to wear when you need them; routine, routine, routine.

Evening

A thoroughly pleasant, focused, satisfying day. After working at BreadCo most of the day, I picked up Sakura from school. Was intending to take her for a short visit with Mommy, but got a call that she was leaving work early because her grandpa in Iowa died and she was upset and heading home. Took Sakura to MEW's instead where she did her homework, we had dinner and the three of us went to the Penance Service for the children making their first confession. In our parish this is when children are in second grade, so it will be Sakura's turn next year.

It was a lovely service: simple readings, dim lighting, Gregorian chant playing in the background. A lovely mix of the ancient and new. I was grateful for the beauty, the tenderness of tonight's service. Sitting there with my oldest friend and my little granddaughter for over an hour in a peaceful setting as little children -- and many adults as well -- acknowleged their participation in the sinfulness of the world and asked for forgiveness and the grace to do better -- well, it was a gift.

After each child confessed, they brought forward a candle that they had decorated themselves. Sitting on the table unlit, it is the differences in the candles that one notices. But after they are lit, it is the flame that draws the eye. There's a sermon in there somewhere.

Tuesday, December 8

Celebration of Mary Immaculate

Late Night

All three kids were home today except for Nick's three hours at school. Seems like with a day at home there would have been time to write a bit, but ... not so much. The weather wouldn't allow the kids to be outside. Sakura and Nick played well together, but Matt kept destroying their game and crying -- no, bellowing! -- because he was left out. Three is an odd number.

Pat said I seemed short with the boys. I so don't want to be. He stayed home with the  kids this eve while I went to Mass and directed the choir. There were a few other families there with small kids. I want to be able to take ours to Church and worship with them, but hard to do when my hands are already full with the choir. Must remember that Matt will only be two for a short while longer. Important not to wish this time away.

Friday, December 25

Christmas Day

Early Morning

I'm the only one up, but I hear stirrings. The weather has turned -- from wet and peculiarly balmy to dry, very windy and very cold. Might have a white Christmas after all. Of course, one thinks about travelers, especially those traveling to join us.

We will be ten today -- the five of us and Daddy, who is asleep upstairs on the floor of Sakura's room where he chose to sleep instead of alone in his old room, now my study; friend Mary, with whom I've spent all but one of the last 36 Christmases; Grandpa Bob, Uncle Nate and Mommy. Daniel Moises and Maureen are in Guatemala until January 20; Guatemala where "Santa Claus sleeps and sleeps." So said ten-year-old Danny on his first Christmas day wtih us 24 years ago. Now he is back in Guatemala, celebrating Christmas with his sisters. I'm so glad he has managed to join both of his worlds.

Yesterday seems like two days. The second day started at 2:30 when, after naps, we drove to Mom Shortal's and ate her traditional Christmas Eve supper of clam chowder. There were seventeen of us, including Uncle Nate, Pat's sisters Linda and Kathy, and Kathy's four grown children, all home and together for the first time since summer. They seemed to delight in the children and vice versa.  The Littles just love having their family all around.

We got home at 9:00, quickly got them into bed, having jammied them before we left, and then Pat and I drove to church for Mass. Power outages forced us to plan for Mass in the dark, but the lights came on just as we were  starting to sing the carols before Mass. As always, a lovely Mass, although I felt a bit ragged. Home by 12:30, stockings stuffed, one present each put under the tree, Santa's milk drunk and cookies eaten --  with "Thank You" written on the scrap of paper that said, "For Santa."

Not sure how the kids will put together that Santa has come with only one present under the tree (the stuffed puppies from the Browns), but I suppose that he left the presents in Nana's study so that Matthew won't get into them until the family arrives, is a plausible explanation. Works for me!

I ended up sleeping on the couch, coughing a bit and not wanting to disturb Pat who has the uncanny ability to say, "I'm tired now," and simply fall asleep. I'd love to be able to do that!

Soon all will be up and needy. Must get myself ready for the day. Will pop in tonight and add pictures. Merry Christmas all.

Sunday, December 27

Feast of the Holy Family

Mid-Afternoon

I do love these days after Christmas. Right now the little boys are napping and Pat just got up after a snooze. Sakura loves to paint during the boys' naptime. She got an art kit for Christmas and we've found that watercolors and Matthew don't mix. Friend Mary is here, too, and Sakura had her coloring for a while. I've been cleaning up the kitchen, ironing a bit, folding a couple baskets of clothes. Dinner is Christmas Reprise, so Pat escapes all kitchen duties today.

A book that changed my thinking, and therefore my life, is HOME COMFORTS: THE ART AND SCIENCE OF KEEPING HOUSE by Cheryl Mendelson. The intro is worth the price of the book. The author is a former philosophy major and attorney who decided to learn her grandmother's skills. I'm reminded of it because of the relationship of art to home-making. There's something about an ironed garment or folding a fresh-smelling sheet or presenting a healthy and tasty meal that is the art that sustains us so that we can appreciate the other arts. Ms Mendelson says that we have turned home-making into drudgery or a necessary evil. I agree. Perhaps it's the way to sell more labor-saving devices and the latest cleaner-than-clean product. And yet what greater privilege is there than creating comfort -- good food, warm fire, fluffy towels, clean beds -- for those we love most in this world?

I'm running on way too little sleep. Finally figured out that Mucinex DM, while great for my cough and congestion, keeps me awake. Got to sleep about 4:00 this morning and had to be up a little after 7:00. I can do one all-nighter if I have to, but it's been at least three days since I've had adequate sleep. No one needs a psychedelic Nana.

I hear boy footsteps. And Mary would like to play Scrabble. And it's time to put another load in the washer. Onward. Happy Feast Day.

Not Too Late In the Evening

I was afraid to mention it earlier -- perhaps for fear of jinxing myself -- but I awoke this morning with a resolve not to raise my voice today. Several days ago I asked Sakura if I yelled too much. She said thoughtfully, "Yeah, you do." I asked, "What should I do instead?" And she responded, "Just love us." Ouch.

I succeeded for the most part; Caught myself twice speaking to Matthew louder than was necessary. But there were another dozen times when I caught myself before I spoke angrily. I think that's the way I'm going to change that habit -- one day at a time.

I also hope to break the three-day non-sleep marathon and rest well tonight. I need it.

A sleep blessing I used to say to my boys, inspired by the author, Richard Scarry.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

Wake up bright

in the morning light

to do what's right

with all your might.

Wednesday, December 31

New Year's Eve

Early Evening

It's been a slow-moving day yet we found ourselves at dinner time wondering where the time had gone. Morning was routine chores - Pat feeding the animals, milking, bringing kindling to the house; Paige doing three loads of laundry, changing Nick's bed (wet), putting away stuff -- lots stuff, and getting the kids ready to go out about 10:00.

We drove to friend Mary's to deliver her groceries I bought for her last night. Then to Aunt Florence -- not really our aunt, but what the kids call her and it fits -- who gave us a wonderful lunch. We took her milk and eggs as she is our most regular customer.

Recommendation: Disney and WeeSing CDs in the car. The kids, even Matthew, can sing along with a lot of songs and the WeeSing music comes with a book of lyrics that Sakura follows along. Great for reading.

When we got home, all were tired. Pat was coming down with a cold and the kids were whipped. All took naps while I wrote the family thank you notes. Sakura awoke with a 101.7 temp and Pat is coughing. Happy New Year!

We had a supper of leftovers and Pat prepared pasta sauce for tomorrow's traditional NY Day meal: lasagna, salad, ice cream with peaches and pieces of yummy chocolate. This year only Mary will join us. We just don't have a big family meal in us this week.

Tomorrow and on Epiphany  I will give each child a present that I set aside. I like to stretch out Christmas. Tomorrow I'll give them each their Bilibos. Check them out online. My sister sent them - at my request. To prime them, I showed Sakura a couple of YouTube videos of kids playing with them.

Late Evening

Just a word about this evening's night prayers. We gave each jammied child a cookie and milk and then wrapped them up and took them outside to admire the full moon - a "blue moon" because it is the second full moon of the month and rare to have a full moon on New Year's Eve, much less a blue moon.

We each told our hopes and dreams for the new year. Nick's had to do with Christmas presents and candy. Who knows what Matt's were? But Sakura's wishes were that  Great-Grandpa  be healthy and happy in heaven and that Great-Grandma be happy and not too lonely without him; that Dan and Maureen come home safe; that everyone in the family be happy and together (and I added, kind to each other). And then we sang our moon song:

I see the moon and the moon sees me;

down through the branches of the old oak tree;

God bless the moon and God bless me;

Shine on the ones I love.

Wherever you are ... whoever you're with ... God bless and keep you safe for another year. Amen.

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