Holy Saturday, April 3

Morning

Steroids are great ... if you want to heal inflamation fast (or hit a lot of homeruns, I suppose). They're not so great if you want to sleep.  So ... up most of the night. I made friends with insomnia a long time ago. I used to panic and get myself all in a dither because I couldn't sleep and I must sleep because I must! I MUST!!! If you've been there you know the routine -- checking the time, tossing and turning. Now I just sort of relax with it. Make a cup of weak tea, read, write, listen to the night sounds of rain or the peepers -- the night birds, as Mary used to call them. (Sigh.)

There's genuine comfort in the middle of the night knowing that my husband is sleeping peacefully -- either beside me or in the next room if I've moved out to the living room -- and in the weight of the sleeping children upstairs. It's so wonderful to feel them safe.

Mommy has decided to accept her sister's invitation to live with her in El Paso, Texas. I've offered to take her to the Greyhound station on Tuesday. The kids are out of school and I think it's important that they see her off so that they understand that she's gone. That sounds so final. At the very least it will be a significant separation.

I am praying that this is the right decision. I'm trying not to orchestrate this move -- she thought of her sister and contacted her -- but still I am enabling her and I suspect if I disapproved she wouldn't go. But here there seem to be no jobs, no place to live, and she can't take care of her self, much less her children. I don't know. There is a community here for her if she wanted it. My church welcomed her. She even sang with the choir for a while. I don't know. I just don't know. Maybe it was never a good fit. But her children love her and miss her. And I think she loves them. And I love her, too, and it's going to be a sad goodbye.

Daddy says he can't think about it now. I believe him. If there was any place for the two of them together, I think they would be together, but there just isn't. And I'm guessing that's a relief. It is clear that together neither of them are their best selves. Instead of building each other up, encouraging each other, climbing together, they just ... sink. He said his friends have been pointing this out to him. He is starting from scratch, living with a friend, trying to get a job. No car. No phone. Lots of debt. It's going to be a climb, but I think he can do it if he's just taking care of himself.

One difficult decision -- how to tell the children. I've asked Mommy NOT to tell them on Easter Sunday. Just seems too sad. But I know she's going to be talking about her move with the family gathered and needing to say goodbye. So ... maybe we'll tell the kids today, and the excitement of tomorrow's family gathering will carry them through. And, it won't be goodbye tomorrow. They will see her Tuesday.

I have to remember that, hard as it is, she is excited to be going. She needs something new. So it's Holy Saturday in  many ways -- that day in between one life and another.

Today ... voice rest so that maybe tonight I can croak out the Easter Proclamation and Litany of Saints. A bit of cleaning and cooking for tomorrow as we prepare to welcome 20-something family and friends for dinner. Hopefully a nap. Our babysitters will be here for Matt tonight and the plan is to take Sakura and Nick to the Easter Vigil. It's a long service, but they're both good in church. Onward. Tomorrow -- open a new GranDiary page. See you there.

Good Friday, April 2

Afternoon

Restless night. Nick called down, "Papa. Papa. Papa.... I can't sleep." He was so articulate and clear that Pat thought it was Sakura, but I knew it was Nick because he's the one who first calls on Papa when he's in distress. Pat went up to talk with him, after which Nick began to whimper, softly at first, then not so soft. Pat brought him down to the couch and he took the other couch as I was coughing.

I awoke with total voice loss. We couldn't reach Daddy so  arranged for the boys to go to daycare ( thank goodness they are open today), and Sakura went to play with Friend Olivia for the afternoon. I got to my doc and was put on steroids, hoping that they work magic by reducing inflamation in the vocal cords and thereby allowing me to sing by tomorrow night. If not, there are folks on stand-by. It is what it is. Fortunately I don't feel bad -- maybe a little tired and head-achey, but nothing worse.

This morning I found myself living out a little Good Friday homily. Nick has been very obstinate lately. He says NO to anything suggested, even when it's the very thing he's requested. He is the most impacted by the changes in routine with his parents -- partly because he's Mommy's special boy, partly because he is smart enough to figure out that something is going on, but not quite articulate enough to ask the questions, and partly because Nick NEEDS routine more than most children. This is the boy who lined up his cars by length when he was two.

Anyway, he was being especially awful and, perhaps because I can't speak? ... I took him in my arms and just held him and held him. He stiffened at first and then relaxed and we chatted a little bit about whatever car he was holding in his hand. Then he smiled and was ready to go on.

So the Good Friday message in everyday life is this:  Just when you feel like walloping a child, hug him. When you're frustrated to the point of hollering, hug her close and whisper. When you're frantic at his slowness, stop ... and hug him. It's counter-intuitive ... like Jesus' behavior today.

Holy Thursday, April 1

Late Evening

All day I tried to think of an April Fools Joke to play on someone and I couldn't. My life is too outlandish. Guess what! We're raising three little kids. Guess what! They all have strep. Guess what! I might, too. Or whatever. Actually I did call my doc and I'm on antibiotics, too, but now I'm beginning to think it's something else. Nick and I have a cough and I'm getting laryngitis. Hoping to hit Urgent Care tomorrow to see if there is a magic potient for getting my voice in order by Saturday. Other than the Mom Wisdom, of course -- voice rest. Hah.

A pleasant day today. Beautiful outside. Pat took Matt and Sakura on a couple hours of morning errands, including removing Mary's mattress from her front porch where someone was supposed to pick it up, recycle, picking up mulch, and other matters. I took Nick to the Social Security Administration to do a bit of Mary business there, and then to the grocery. The rest of the day I did laundry, including a serious amount of ironing, and went through all the kid clothes to switch out winter for summer.

Mommy and Daddy's new arrangement is throwing a bit of a wrench into our childcare situation. Mom is living with her friend too far away to help. Dad is unreachable. We took all three with us to church tonight and they were as good as gold. We're a bit up in the air about tomorrow. After that, we're covered.

But the kids were all three great in church tonight and we took them out for ice cream as a reward. So lovely to be able to sit out at night without having to shelter from the weather.

Wednesday, March 31

Morning

Nick is still streppy. Feverish this morning. Matt seemed fine, but as I was about to drop him off at daycare, he protested and his eyes had that rheumy look so I took him along with Nick to Mommy and Daddy. Sakura is her usual perky self and went to school.

News: Mommy and Daddy have been asked to leave the apartment where they were crashing. Landlord isn't interested in extra non-rent-paying tenants. Mom is planning to go back with her cousin; Dad to another friend who, as it happens, lives near us so he wants to try and help with the kids.

I feel helpless. And kind of stupid. Should I do something? Should I continue to stand by? Not knowing, I help by providing for the Littles and wait for the Biggers to get their act(s) together. Gosh, it's hard to watch. I'm not meant for the bystander life.

Pic -- Sick Nick. Is there anything more pitiful than an ailing child? Poor little guy.

Tuesday, March 30

Morning

We all awoke right on time -- IF we could ignore the abominable Daylight Saving Time.  Amazing how perky the kids are when they are allowed to sleep until they wake. After a few days of being forced from sleep, yet still unable to fall asleep while it is still light out in the evening, they get ... strep. Adequate sleep is necessary to fight off the bad bugs. Not enough and we get cranky, sloppy, and sick.

Oh well. Pat says I should pick a different battle. His favorite would be the return of trains between towns and the interurban trains and trolleys. I suppose then we could catch up on our sleep on the train. Hmmm. A meeting of minds and causes.

Nick was up twice in the night -- feverish and needing a drink and meds and then, about an hour later, coming downstairs whimpering, "I need to go pee." Yes! A victory.

Matt is always the first to wake. He already has a locker-room voice -- that manly, "Hey, howz it hangin' ol' buddy?" sound that men make when they are without women or monastic rule to civilize them. "The Little Dears." That's what Mary would say, quoting Liz to Tracy (Katharine Hepburn), who had just declared how she loved men. (Philadelphia Story). Sigh.

Pics: Nick and Matt in Time Out last night. We call it, "On The Step." I set the kitchen timer for a couple of minutes. Usually it's one or the other, but they were fighting with each other. Nothing makes friends like a common enemy -- i.e., Nana Beast.  And their meds, each with a syringe. Twice a day. Thank goodness it's not three times. Morning and evening I can remember.

Today they're all three home. So is Pat. (thankyouthankyouthankyou). Onward.

Evening

Sakura and Matt seem fine -- energetic and no symptoms. Nick, on the other hand, is a sick puppy -- flushed, feverish, whimpering. He says nothing hurts. Giving him tylenol. My thermometer reads 102 under the tongue, but he seems hotter to me. We'll be watching him. I MUST write my column tomorrow so I think he'll go to Mommy's. Who, just texted me that she may get her old job back at the local grocery. I so hope so. She was good at it; it's within walking distance; and I think she must know by now that a job in this economy is a gift.

Yesterday at the pediatrician all three kids were weighed and measured so here's the height and weight report:

Sakura - 45.75" and 47.8#; Nick - 39.5" and 35.6#; Matt - 35.5" and 30#. Unless I'm reading the growth charts wrong, they are all slightly taller than average and slightly lighter weight than average. I just keep thinking what it would be like to weigh one pound per inch. I'm so not there.

Night

More on the Potty Wars. Kind of a good news / bad news situation. Good news: Nick won't go in his pants. Bad news: He's been peeing in the tub full of foam blocks. "What's that smell?" Nana cried. "What the h- - -?" answered Papa. Ick.

Monday of Holy Week, March 29

Happy Birthday, Mary!

Morning

Mary would have been 74 today. I was to have gone out with friends Doris, Margit and Judy, but ... Nick is sick. Low-grade fever. Cough. Too much strep going around not to check it out. Sigh. Matt seems fine. I hear Sakura coughing a bit, too. Plan to take them all in to be checked out this morning and, if needed, get them started on antibioitics. Holy Week and sick kids. Yikes.

Late Afternoon

Three Streps and you're OUT! Yep. All three of them. Oh well, they're all started on antibiotics; they can all go back to school and daycare on Wednesday; at least it's not the Holy Days; AND I already finished and turned in my Holy Week programs just to be safe. So ... is that enough silver lining for everyone?! (My apologies to the parents of Sakura's classmates, but she was NOT symptomatic this morning, other than a slight cough.)

Doc also said they didn't have to be inside or in bed so we celebrated Strep Days and Mary's B'day by going out for ice cream. Why not? We sang Happy Birthday and i tried not to cry.

I wonder if what I wrote yesterday about that "lighter" feeling sounds weird to anyone. Perhaps it's just my tendency to self-observation. Friend Richard once said that if Socrates had known me he would never have said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Yeah, well. A favorite book of mine is C.S. Lewis' A GRIEF OBSERVED. It's an insightful examination of the state of grief. I'll have to pick it up again.

Oh, we've made an important decision: Registered all three for St. Francis Borgia Grade School next year. We did observe at one of the local public schools and we were impressed and certainly the logistics and finances would be easier. However, for Sakura to lose someone so important to her and be able to talk about that loss in the context of faith with her friends and teachers has been invaluable. And then there has been the support for her and for the rest of us. And frankly, even though it's a 22-mile-round trip at least twice a day, we have so many connections at SFB that If my car breaks down, there are 25 people I can call for help. I just don't know if I have it in me to develop a whole new community. As far as the boys ... full-time pre-school for Nick costs only a fraction more than day care we're doing now and his speech is now so good that he is ready to mainstream. He will be an old student, as his birthday is August 25 -- too late to make the cut for Kindergarten next year.  Matt will go two days a week IF we can get him potty-trained by then. I hope we can -- he is a bright little guy, just bursting into speech and needs the challenge and the discipline. Be nice to have one stop in the morning instead of three; one institution's schedule instead of three. Whew! How DO we do it?! Anyway, we're once again an SFB family. Money? Oh, heck, who knows?

My mind is turning to mush. Matt needed an Elmo fix and is watching on my split-screen laptop, but I can't think anymore.

Pic - Sakura waits for the doc just as I do -- reading. And all three with the Good Doctor B. She really is a lovely doc. (Sakura had just had a strep swab and was none too happy about it.)

Palm Sunday, March 28

Noon

Well I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. We had four kids here overnight and got them all out to church -- washed, brushed, breakfasted, and with shoes on. Not bad.

Today's Palm Sunday service was lovely. Our choir has become such pros at processing and singing and look great in their red robes. Sorry I didn't get a picture.

Came home after church with Pat's sister, Kathy, and her friend, Connie. Nice to have company on Sunday as it was so much our routine with Mary.

I've had an odd sense of relief -- not so much relief, but a lightness as though a burden has been lifted. For years now, there has been with me the concern about Mary and her well-being. I could not go to a bookstore or have lunch somewhere or visit St. Louis without thinking that I should have invited Mary or just knowing that she would have enjoyed it.  Or, when we did go together, there was the extra effort it took to see to her needs -- park in the right place, make sure we never stood too long, walk slower, etc. It became very difficult when the Grands became so much a part of our lives. On a Sunday not long before she had the stroke, we were coming out of church and Mary asked for my arm. As I turned my attention to her,  Matt ran into the street.

I  miss Mary very much -- chatting daily, writing together, saving up things to tell her. I even miss that sense of worry. When I didn't hear from her all day or when she took longer than usual to answer her phone, we would joke. "No," she would say, "I'm not lying on the floor with my little printless feet pointing upward." But, with missing her, I feel lighter. It's the good sense of emptier, I guess.

Pics -- the Grands in their Sunday attire. Children have such lovely, lucid eyes. One sees the truth of the verse in Matthew, Chapter 6: The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. These bright-eyed babies are light-bearers all right. God bless 'em.

Saturday, March 27

Evening

Slept until 8:30 this morning. Whoa Baby! Nothing like enough sleep. Kiddoes slept at Daddy's apartment last night. Or at least I thought they did until it was time to pick them up this afternoon. Turns out they slept over at Daddy's roommate's girlfriend's house -- with Mommy and Daddy, too. The girlfriend has a 13-year-old daughter who enjoyed playing with Sakura, or so Mommy said. Makes me nervous, as I don't know these young people. Pat, who picked them up, said the house looked fine. Our son has typically picked good people to be his friends. One hopes.

I worked today on Holy Week programs and dealing with more stuff. Went through the boys' clothes and discarded the winter things no one can wear next year, stored what may be used again, brought  out some of the spring and summer things. Has to be done.

It was really pleasant to be alone at home with Pat -- eating lunch, playing Scrabble. Tonight we have four kids. Good Friend Linda is coming back tomorrow from Kazakhstan with her new baby daughter. Her older daughter, Olivia, is sleeping over. She's a year younger and a head taller than Sakura. They get on well most of the time. Both "in charge" kinda gals, but they adjust. Hard to remember that Olivia is only five. She's never slept away from family before so we'll see how it goes.

Pics: Four kids on the tramp. Note Sakura in her dress-up garb from Mary and bathrobe. She's a unique dresser.

Friday, March 26

Evening

A worthwhile day. After dropping off the boys with Daddy and Mommy, and Sakura at school, Pat and I drove to St. Louis where he worked for the day. I visited my Jesuit friend to talk about Mary's death and the struggles I've been having with Regret. Helpful. It's a precious gift -- to have someone in your life who has known you long and has a good memory. And doesn't lie. And is wise. Very precious. I met him when he was much younger than I am now and even then, i carried around and re-read his letters for Years!

Also stopped by the graduate school and left Mary's Ph.D. hood - all satin and velvet and expensive. I was promised that it will be given to someone who can use it. Then stopped at College Church - my old parish - to visit and give Friend Ruthie Mary's dissertation -- a history of the College Church. Stayed for noon Mass.

I love being in a "real" parish now, but I do also enjoy the occasional visits back to the Jesuits. Their language and worldview is the one I know best and I miss it sometimes.

The kids are all three with Mommy and Daddy tonight. We'll pick them up about 4:00 tomorrow. Tonight will watch a movie with Pat and enjoy being kidless.

Thursday, March 25

Late Morning

Sakura lost her first tooth! It was at a soccer game with her babysitters' family and it just popped out. She lost it there, but the Tooth Fairy (TF) found it. Gave her a dollar in a pink envelope. Cool.

Pictures at left: First one taken at 3:00 this morning because Sakura was just too excited about her tooth to sleep. The second -- Sakura mugging with Matt and Nick who are bellying up to the Breakfast Bar.

Today my task is Stuff Management. Mostly Mary's Stuff. Some kids' stuff. Some of my own. A LOT of my own. Mary had trouble discarding books, photos and greeting cards. Problem is, so do I!!! LOTS of her books have gone to the public library, parish library, friends' libraries, a newly created "Mary E. Waldron Memorial Writers' Library" at Mannwells Coffee shop where Mary loved to sit and read or write. Still there is more. I took some of her books, but must make room on my shelves. Shelf-space is limited and I will NOT create more shelves or cram. It's silly. I have books I will never read, but just can't let go of. Why??!! What do they represent to me? A Someday attitude? I don't know. I just wish stuff was as easy to let go of as baby teeth. Perhaps if we trusted that something more useful or beautiful will always fill the space? Hmmm ... off I go with that thought.

Monday, March 22

Morning

Writing from Mannwells after a so-so night's sleep and easy morning. Sakura awoke excited about going to school in her new shoes! And also wore her glasses for the first time since she first got them. I think someone laughed at her the first time she wore them. Feeling braver now because of the bully awareness programs going on in school.

I wonder what the adult equivalent is to bullying? Seems unlikley that a behavior so prevalent among the young would disappear when we get older. More likely that it morphs into something more socially acceptable. Gossip? Facebook sniping? Hmmm. Have to think about it.

Must get to work on some other writing now. Pat will join me in an hour and we'll clean out the rest of Mary's house. A sad activity. Sakura asked me to keep the key so she can see it empty just one last time. I know how she feels. I'm going to miss my little pied-à-terre.

Fifth Sunday of Lent, March 21

First Day of Spring - HAH! It's cold!

Late Morning

The Grands spent last night with Mommy and Daddy, who are, by the way, apparently back together and doing okay in their relationship. They are living in a friend's apartment -- no jobs, no working car, no prospects. We've offered help with their car, but only after they have jobs and a plan. It's a hard economy to be looking for work, but they're not looking very hard yet. Hopefully, they will find the energy and courage to get out there. Meanwhile, the apartment is a safe place for the Grands to see their parents. And it gives us a break.

We sang Mass last night (with Sakura there) so this Sunday morning was that of a childless pagan -- hmmm -- not bad. Actually, it's kind of unsettling. I miss the Every-Sunday routine of Mass, brunch, Scrabble with Mary (sniff), Sunday dinner.

I awoke at 8:30 (!) and, before breakfast, put together a ToDo list for the rest of spring. It's as long as my arm and is only about writing and church work with a little re breaking down Mary's apartment. Nothing about kid duties. How realistic is that?

Also before breakfast, came up with a list of all the music for Holy Week which I emailed to my partner/accompanist for us to chat about later today.

I'm not that much of a procrastinator, really! It's just that March is usually devoted to all of these duties and instead, this March, we tended to Mary's dying and her affairs after she died.

A friend reader wondered if Mary's death has triggered a depression that goes beyond grief for her loss. I've been attentive to that as I dealt with a serious bout of depression back in the late eighties. Two hospitalizations, good drugs, an excellent psychiatrist -- all required to get through it. The kind of experience that one learns from, but doesn't want to repeat. So I'm attentive. Grief, exhaustion, and lots to do are an excelent formula for sliding into depression. I'm not there, though. Sad at times, but not clinically depressed. I know the difference.

I've written about Regret. On the day of Mary's stroke - just three weeks ago!!! - I was tempted to wallow in guilt for not being a better friend. Fr. S. said something about what a good friend I'd been to Mary and I started to deny it. Then I realized that Regret was about me and the next few days and weeks had to be about Mary. So I put it away to deal with later.

I won't write here about my specific failings, but I did make an appointment with my Old Smart Jesuit Confessor for this coming Friday. All Regret is not Sin, but all Sin should be Regret so there is an overlap. He will help me sort it out without telling me I'm all wrong when I enumerate my failings. I don't know if non-Catholics or non-practicing-Catholics can get this, but as a convert, I discovered Confession (or Sacrament of Penance or Reconciliation, as it is also known), as a most liberating gift. A great deal of mental anguish is caused by not recognizing sin as sin. Pretense leads to a most confused state of mind.

Anyway, that's how I'm handling it for now. Making long lists, jettisoning the tasks I can, resting when I can, and, as I write, sitting near the fire, drinking good coffee, cat on the cushion next to me, Pat cooking corned beef and cabbage for tonight. There are many worse ways to live!!!

New Photos: Eggs - the girls are laying again and this is one day's bounty; Sakura modeling a dress from Aunt Bessie's dress-up box and a scarf left by an anonymous person from Peace Lutheran Church. They have a ministry of offering a hand-knit scarf to the grieving. (I suspect Friend Arlys! Thank you, Dear Heart!); Matt in a pair of sunglasses; Matt and Nick after haircuts with Sakura after her bath in the same sunglasses. She's the next Julia Roberts, isn't she?

Night

A very good, productive, restorative day. Prepared music for Holy Week. Got on top of the writing assignments. Caught up with email and this GranDiary. And enjoyed the grands when they came home this afternoon. Wonderful meal of corned beef, cabbage, potatoes and homemade brownies -- all prepared by Pat the Head Chef. Lovely. And ... we took the plunge and made reservations on North Padre Island for the first week of June, just a few miles from Mom. (Must call and tell her!) Planning our first driving vacation with kids in a LOT of years. Woohoo!

Friday, March 19

Evening

I think I'm beginning to heal. It was a very restorative day. On St. Patrick's day I was still low. Wanted very much to go to Mass for St. Patrick, but our grade school Mass was for St. Joseph in order to honor fathers. Probably indicative of my fragile state that it bothered me - not the fathers, but ignoring St. Pat. It was a favorite feast of Mary's. But I did walk in the parade with Sakura, then took her out for ice cream and then to shop for new school shoes and Keen sandals. (Great sandals for kids - protects their toes, handles water well, and they can run in them like tennis shoes.

Wednesday  night's choir practice was awesome -- almost all there and they worked hard. We'll be ready for Holy Week. I have asked to be excused from Easter morning Mass. Feels so weird, but after singing Holy Thursday night, Good Friday Noon and Holy Saturday night, it's just too much. At least this year. I hope folks who want to hear the choir for Easter come on Saturday night. It's such an amazing service and so many people have never been once. We'll take both Sakura and Nick. Sakura is excited about carrying a flower in the procession to decorate the altar and insists that Nick can carry one, too. Matt will stay home with a babysitter. Two is too young for the Vigil. Four is a little young, too, but Nick is pretty good in church.

Today we all went to the dentist. I wish I'd had my camera with me - Sakura is so bright and happy as the dentist examines her and then Nick is so worried. He has this Charlie Brown face -- so expressive. Afterwards we ate Chinese food and then went to Kirkwood City Park to play. I finally(!) finished my Daily Bread meditations while the kids played. So lovely. Then home and supper of grilled cheese sandwiches and rootbeer floats while sitting outside. Pat made a fire and we toasted a couple of stale marshmallows. As it got dark Sakura begged me to bring out quilts so we could all lay on the trampoline and look at the stars. So we did - five of us cuddled together, watching the stars and singing Kum-ba-ya and Tell Me Why and Day is Done. Even Matt sings. Bed was fast and easy.

I'm grateful to be feeling more hopeful about doing what needs to be done and to be enjoying the kids again. It's been a long winter, but I think Spring is finally here. (Of course, they're talking snow tomorrow night, but who's listening?!)

Three photos for now: All three on the trampoline this afternoon - such a lovely day; Sakura wearing her "anti-mosquito gear" (we saw one mosquito!); and the three kids around the fire.

Monday, March 15

Early Morning

Daylight Saving Time is from the Devil!

Later Morning

I let the kids sleep in and got them to school right on time -- if it weren't for DST. It IS from the devil -- nothing more than a device to get people to shop more in the evening. It's not good for children. It's not good for those who love them or teach them or coach them. Urrgghhh.

I'm struggling with something that I don't know how to write about here. I'm going to try to put it away for a week and if it's still there, then I'll know it's not just exhaustion or grief. If it's still there in a week ... I'll think about it then.

The Devotional Concert of the Stations of the Cross yesterday was stunning. Absolutely stunning. It left me drained. Today is a free day -- all three kids in school; Pat and I at home. I hope I'm not too tired to benefit from it.

Don's last station drawing: The cross, now forever a sign of suffering that is not without hope -- the triumphant cross.

Thursday, March 11

Morning

It's a beautiful, blue sky, warm breeze, laundry hanging out kind of day. All three kids made it to school - albeit late - and Pat took them, God bless him!!! I can't remember the last time I was alone in my house.

Mary's Memorial Mass was just right. I'm sorry there aren't photos to share, but it was one of those situations where I didn't want to "destroy the present moment in order to preserve it." (An old quote from Jesuit friend, Jim.) It just had to be lived and remembered and conveyed as well as possible with my poor words.

So picture it, a little girl, just seven years old, 40-something inches tall, proudly wearing a new outfit, peering over the top of the pulpit and reading with charming confidence, "Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Anguish? Distress? Persecution? Famine? Nakedness? Danger? Sword? NO! (And she said this with great conviction.) NO! In all these things we are conquerors (didn't stumble on "conquerors") in Christ Jesus our Lord."

The choir sat in the pews just behind the family, surrounding us with harmony. It was glorious. Friends came I didn't expect to see -- Tim and Becky, Ruthie and Fr. Jim, folks from Mary's graduate school office, Paul and Joan. Pat's sisters were both there, as were my sons and daughters-in-law, many friends from the parish, and of course, our choir community. That family of faith is just amazing.

The supper was splendid -- awesome food -- and as we ate, different folks got up to read from Mary's writings, her "Autumn Garage." Many agreed that it was great dinner theater and we should do it again without anyone dying.

I'm bushed. Seriously bushed. Must keep up my energy for the kids and all the rest that has to be done.

Sakura is handling this well. She's articulate and we've included her in every step so, while she grieves, she understands and she's not suffering unduly. Nick and Matt, not so much. Especially Nick. His teacher told Pat today that he is biting himself and getting suddenly angry. We've noticed it at home, too. I think I want to talk to a professional. I don't know if it' s Mary's passing or, if in the same period, he's been staying two days a week with Mommy and Daddy? Or ...? Lots of losses. And I'm least patient with him, I think. It would help to talk with someone.

I'll post a few more of Don's stations here. Station 7: Jesus falls the second time; 8 - Jesus meets the grieving women; 9 - Jesus falls the third time. I've done a lot of thinking about the stations. Amazing that they include Jesus falling three times. It's so very like life.

Wednesday, March 10 - Mary's Sending Day

Morning

It's dawned a beautiful, spring day. I was up early, putting in the corrections on two programs. Kids were in a good mood and out the door without incident. We even had time to look around and find shoes that fit Sakura and clothes for all three kids tonight.

I think I'll just offer a few quotes from Mary E. Waldron - or MEW.

To ponder: This is no such thing as leftover manna.

For comfort: It will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end.

And one that is both funny and poignant: How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I miss Mary more than I ever knew I would. And that fills me with a certain joy or maybe relief. I once wondered if I felt enough love. Now I know.

I'll write later about regrets. On the day she had the stroke, I had an epiphany and decided that the temptation to regret was just that - a temptation. This time has to be about Mary, not me. But later, I'll explore regret. It's only useful if it teaches something and helps me be a better person.

A last one from MEW: Everything in my head has to pay rent.

Pictures: Station 4 - Jesus meets his mother; 5 - Simon is forced to help carry the cross; 6 - Veronica wipes the face of Jesus and is left with the image of Christ on her cloth. (Hence her name - Vera ikon - true image.)

Afternoon

A short respite as Pat agreed to take Sakura to Planet Gymnastics with her 20 first grade classmates. I will go in an hour to help out, but just needed a short rest and a shower. Been moving at high speed for too long.

I never understood the food thing when people die. In fact, I thought it was only in movies like Places in the Heart (a fave of mine and Mary's) and others that take place in the south or rural parts of the country. You know, someone dies and everybody shows up with a pie or a casserole? Well, that's what our people do. And it is so very amazingly helpful! I don't know how we would have fed ourselves, much less the kids, without the kindness of those delicious meals. I'm so grateful.

Another gift was such a simple one, but it has helped me out so much. On the day Mary had her stroke, Friend Judy took me to the hospital to be with her and she handed me her little apple-shaped water bottle and told me to keep it. It has served as a reminder to drink water throughout this week.

This morning we picked up our "new" van, delivered the borrowed one back to its owners, Friends Dave and Lucy, and then picked up Sakura from school. She was so HAPPY, just to be with us, to be going to a fun thing with her friends, even about the Mass tonight. She's wearing a new outfit that Daddy gave her for Christmas and new shiny patent leather shoes with a bow that she's finally grown into. Woohoo! Never knew how much fun it could be to have a girl child.

Tuesday, March 9

Night

All of my computer time has been dedicated to Mary's Memorial Mass program and a devotional booklet of the Stations fo the Cross. Over 20 years ago I wrote a narration for a concert based on the Stations. We've offered that concert in my home parish since 1997 and, before that, at my previous parish. Mary was often one of the narrators. Last year I saw some art by one of our choir members and I asked him if he would illusrate the stations for a booklet we would produce this year. I was planning on a leisurely couple of weeks to prepare this booklet. Instead ... a morning? Well, you do what you gotta do in the time you've got to do it. It's a labor of love, though, and healing in it's way.

This morning's primary school mass was in remembrance of Mary, too. She read to the children and they loved their "Miss Mary." Fr. S. asked them what they thought Mary was doing now. Sakura said that she was probably playing checkers with Great Grandpa. Go figure.

Sakura has been practicing her reading for tomorrow's Mass. It's very sweet, to drive a little child to school as she practices Psalm 23 and that difficult passage from Romans that begins, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Mary's answer was always, "Everybody else!")

Tonight Sakura was really organizing "the boys," as she calls them. Talked Nicky into playing "sleep over," which amounts to creating a nest of blankets on the floor of her room and falling asleep together. Works for me!

Tomorrow while Pat drives the kids to school and daycare, I will finish the Stations booklet, gather clothes for me and the kids for the Mass, then pick up Sakura at 1:00 and take 20 first graders to Planet Gymnastics for a two-hour community building event that I organized -- what was I thinking? Then we pick up the boys, get home, get clean, eat a bit, and off to church.

It doesn't feel like a break is coming. Concert, Holy Week, emptying Mary's apartment and disposing of all her goods, all the while raising three children who simply cannot get sick right now. What a time.

Pictures -- Don's "ribbon art" illustrations of the first three stations: 1. Jesus is condemned to death; 2. Jesus takes up his cross; 3. Jesus falls the first time.

I find myself relating to the three falls.

Third Sunday of Lent -- March 7

Morning

I'm writing this morning from Urgent Care. The chest pains were getting worse and, after Googling and finding out about cracks in the sternum leading to bronchitis or pneumonia ... yadayadayada ... decided to check it out. Hurts.

Pat is home with the kids and a promise to take them to the playground. They're plenty excited. Such beautiful, warm weather today after a long winter. A Very Long Winter. Pat, by the way, is back to his old self, healthwise, or darned close.

Yesterday my writing efforts were all directed to Mary's Memorial Mass program. On the day the children were all at Daddy's and we were  looking forward to sleeping in until, you know, 7:00? -- I awoke at 4:30 (natch) and went to work on her program. I do miss sending it to her to proof, but proofing friends are stepping in to help.

I was telling someone that I probably averaged twice-a-day contact with Mary for the last 36 years. That someone suggested others I could call, but I don't particularly want to  fill in that gap. Seems right to live with it instead and, ever so gradually, fill it with what is supposed to be there, even at the risk of living with emptiness for a time. I think we are tempted to fill the holes in our heart too quickly, often with the wrong stuff: drugs or alcohol or food, shopping, busyness, wrong relationships. Losing a close friend is an opportunity to take one's pulse, assess how things are going, discern future directions. I'm just saying I don't want to rush to fill the hole.

Meanwhile, I do want to be able to cough again -- or sneeze or sniff or laugh. Especially laugh.

Two Sundays ago I took the best picture of Mary at our house. Last Sunday she had the stroke. Today is another Sunday and it feels so weird that Mary won't be at our house playing Scrabble, enjoying the kids, dozing over her book, waking to "you want a cup of coffee?" Sigh. Sniff. Here's the pic. I just moved it today for comfort's sake. 

Later Morning

Bruised but not broken -- that's the diagnosis. I am glad I went. Doc said I need to cough better to avoid pneumonia. Somehow knowing that the pain is JUST pain and that it's not injurious when I cough or lift Matthew or whatever -- well, that helps. This doc is a favorite of mine and I go to Urgicare when he's on duty.  After six months of  trying this and that, he's the one that helped Pat get finally and definitively well. He listens well, explains well, instructs well. Rare dude.

On my way to get a few groceries, including diarrhea-friendly bananas and applesauce for Matthew, and then the rest of the day at HOME! Oh glory. Home. It's going to be a very engaged few days so I'm hoping today is restorative to us all -- and that Matt stops his runs. Otherwise tomorrow will find one of us with him at the doc's. Sigh.

Friday, 5 March - Happy Birthday, Sis!

Morning

I'm writing this morning from BreadCo. Kind of nervous about being here as it was the favorite KITCH session spot for Mary and me. We sat here at least once a week for the whole day, writing, drinking coffee, playing Scrabble during lunch.

Last night I said to the kids, "Guess who's coming on Saturday to be with you." Sakura said immediately, "Aunt Bessie?!" Then stopped and put  her head down. We grieve so alike, she and I.

Today must work on Mary's Memorial Mass program and holy card. And I haven't gone through her card file yet to call people. Just can't face that and I really must. There are so many I should be talking to personally. Takes a lot of energy. Maybe Pat and I can go through the file together later. So grateful that one of Mary's oldest friends has been reading this GranDiary and contacted me. I must make time to call folks -- Mary will haunt me otherwise.

Tuesday, March 2

Evening

This evening Sakura noticed that I hadn't yet turned over the calendar to March. She took it down and wrote under March 2, "Aunt Bessie went to heaven." Then she thought a while and wrote under March 1, "I went to school."

Friend Mary did indeed leave this world today just before 1:00 in the afternoon. It was a most peaceful passing. I started the day by going to Mass with Sakura and then came to the hospital. Mary was already showing signs that today would be her birthing day. Kathy and Rich were with her and Kathy's nursing background was so very helpful. She could explain to me the signs of death knocking, but never in a clinical way. Amazing when that medical knowledge is combined with faith and compassion.

It finally occurred to me that everyone had been to see Mary except Nick and Matt. So I called Friend Carol, asked her to pick up the boys from school and, bless her heart!, she brought them to Mary's room. Meanwhile I called our pastor and asked him to get Sakura out of school and bring her. He was wonderful with her. I asked her to help me explain to the boys what was happening. Nick and Matt were so solemn and Sakura explained that Aunt Bessie was going to heaven. We prayed our night prayers -- Our Father, Hail Mary, Glory Be and then we sang Kum-Ba-Ya - "Bessie's comin' Lord, Kum-ba-ya."

After Carol took all three kids back to her place -- again, God bless her! -- I made a few necessary calls -- and then sat again with Mary as she passed. Friends Jackie and Gloria were in the room with me. Amazing how easy it was. I'm so glad for her. Sad and glad.

She is giving her body to SLU Medical School and I arranged with Friend Kevin, who is also a funeral director, to do the necessaries. Living in this community is so human-sized. All the people one needs in a time of crisis are not just professionals, but friends -- chaplain, nurse, doctor, pastor, funeral director, teachers, musicians -- and then the myriad of people to sit vigil, care for kids, arrange for food. It's just amazing.

Briefly, the arrangements are these: Her Memorial Mass will be Wednesday, March 10, at 6:00 PM at St. Francis Borgia Church, followed by a potluck supper in Jesuit Hall (the hall adjacent to church). In-town folks, please bring a dish to share. Out-of-town folks, just come, please. During the dinner we'll have time to share Mary stories. And please, no flowers or plants. Donations to the St. Franics Borgia Grade School Library and Technology Fund would be most appreciated if there is a desire to give something.  It was one of the joys of Mary's life to read to the children every Friday. She and the third grade were in the middle of the Narnian Chronicles and she also read to the kindergarten and, of course, Sakura's class. I may arrange for a few book plates in Mary's memory. Come spring, I think we might plant a tree for Mary on our little farm so that we have a place to go and talk to her.

Oh, and by the way, I'm fine after the accident. A bit stiff and my knees and chest are a riot of color, which I would photograph for you, but modesty (and vanity) forbid it. (Aren't you glad?!)

Monday, March 1

Night

I thought I would be able to sit in Mary's hospital room like our old K.I.T.C.H. sessions -- Keaster In The Chair Honey. At first we called them "Butt in the Chair Honey" Sessions, but we don't like the word "butt" and even less what it spelled. She and I would go to Bread Company or Mannwells and drink coffee and each write on our laptops. I will miss those sessions.

Today each time I sat down to write, someone came in or called.

But always welcome -- always.  I so appreciate the number of people giving up time to keep vigil -- around the clock as they are needed. I couldn't bear to think of her alone in that room while I'm at home. And I couldn't survive being there all day and night without giving a normal life to the children and to us.

Mary is slowly diminishing -- breathing more labored, slight fever. We're hoping pneumonia --  that so-called "old man's (and woman's) friend" -- takes her.

Today I dealt with the bank. It seems there is this peculiar window of opportunity between incapacitation and death when Power of Attorney allows you to deal with her bank accounts. She doesn't have much, but enough to pay for her final wishes -- to transport her body to SLU Medical School and a party after her Memorial Mass.

I am sore after my accident. Realizing I may have been a bit too quick to think I ran a red light. I may have, but my certainty yesterday (only yesterday?) was based on seeing the red light after the accident. Thing is, I remember air bags and sirens all at the same time. Must have blacked out for a bit in between. The red traffic light I saw could have been 15 minutes later. What I do remember was seeing his car in that left turn and realizing I couldn't avoid him. I swerved to my right which was probably the exact wrong thing to do, but it at least it was more of glancing blow than head on. Anyway, Pat says the van is a mess. I'm okay -- bruised in odd places.

Folks have been lovely, offering the loan of their cars to us. We have no vehicle now that will hold three car seats. Last night we brought home Friend Kathy's truck with the extra seat -- a real boat! Today we have Friends' Lucy and Dave's van. Loaning a car to a woman who has just had a wreck is really, really over-the-top generous.

There's two things I miss about Mary. Picking up the phone several times a day to tell her the latest. All this stuff going on -- so weird not to process it with her. And ... this makes me cry ... she's the only woman who loves my children and grandchildren as much as I do. When another woman loves them like that, you can talk about them for hours and she never gets tired of hearing about them. And you can share your fears and frustrations and anger and disappointment without worry because she won't stop loving them. How do you replace that?

You don't.

Must sleep. Thank you for your prayers.

Saturday, February 27

Afternoon

Again, I've not been daily with this. The thing is, keeping a daily record helps slow down time as it is a vehicle for remembering what I've done throughout the day and reflecting on it. It's when I don't write that time seems to flee.

As it has these past days. Just ... whoosh!

Thursday evening - three-hour meeting about the school. Amounted to a lot of time and an extraordinary amount of good people's energy for damage control. Best not to do the damage, I say, but we live and we learn. Lots of good people doing their best ... what more can we ask?

Friday - dropped the boys off at Daddy's apartment. Less enthusiasm about them coming, but all still seemed glad to see each other. Afterwards I drove over to our local public school, feeling the need to know my options. I was stunned. So impressed with the quality, the staff, the facility, the peace. Toured with the school counselor who is a peach. We're doing a lot of discerning.

Friday afternoon I finished my part of our taxes and Pat prepared the return to send to our accountant. We drove to SFB to pick up Sakura, take her to Daddy's where she spent the night, along with the boys; dropped off our taxes; took Friend Mary to a local parish fish fry; and then home to watch a movie, through which I dozed.

This morning we awoke early, stripped the bed and washed the sheets to hang out on the line, walked with our friends at 8:00, bought a few groceries, ate lunch in a strangely quiet house, dozed again, made up the bed, and soon will go to pick up the kids.

All very mundane. There is some backstory. Like the fact that Pat awoke this morning feeling a lot of stomach upset. And that I got mad at him for it. There's no other way to say it. I was angry because he was sick. So much for, "in sickness and in health," eh? I feel awful about getting mad and have apologized a few hundred ways. He says he's not upset about it. I am.

And the school decision -- it's weighing on me.

And while I'm very glad to see the sun, I'm tired of the mud all around the house. I want it to dry up, green up, and let our kids run and play again.

Hmmm .... sound grouchy, don't I?

Time to go get the kids.

Evening

We've been skunked. Got Alex the Dog, too. Thing is, Alex ran all through the house before we could figure out what was happening. Put him in the cabin with the cat for the night. We'll wash him tomorrow with peroxide. Meanwhile, my sinuses are throbbing from the skunk smell. Yowzer.

Pleasant evening before the skunk - sorting 100 boxes of girl scout cookies. (We got them out of the house before the skunk hit, just in case you're one of our customers.)

Sakura and Matthew played "two-headed person" for a while. Then she asked for a new job - bathing her brothers was her thought. I let her. She's very gentle with them.

Thursday, February 25

Morning

I can't believe I haven't written here since Monday. I also can't believe it is February 25!!! Time is racing.

For those who have been following the Potty Wars in our house, you can now join me in getting a life. Nick gets it. That inhibition about messing one's pants has finally kicked in. He's not only dry and clean all day, but also when he wakes in the morning. I'm going to take a breather before we start with Matt -- maybe this summer.

Another big first in our house -- we hired a babysitter. Two actually -- the granddaughters of good friends. Noel and Marie, ages 15 and 12, are perfect -- smart, sweet, responsible, lovely girls, and they live close by. I'm so pleased and grateful. Of course, it now costs us over $20 to go to choir practice! That's a chunk.

Daddy and Mommy still haven't been able to fix their car. It is SO tempting to step in and help, but A. they haven't asked us for help; and B. we just can't keep rescuing. It's hard to watch, but it will be worse if they don't make this happen on their own. I think.

Must go. Have a radio interview this morning about World Day of Prayer, a few errands, and then must get back to help Pat with the boys. Nick is at school this morning and will be home at 11:00. Matt is home today. School meeting tonight. Lots of anxiety about raising tuition, class size, the tenor of some communications from the pastor. Not sure what I can add, if anything, but I'm not as irate as some, so maybe I'll be a calming influence. (Wouldn't that be a nice change?!)

First Sunday of Lent, February 21

Noon

Mass with Sakura, sold a few of my books, practiced in church with Sakura as she is reading at Tuesday's Mass(!), picked up Friend Mary, and we're all three with our laptops at Bread Company. Must leave soon to be go home and join Pat and the boys.

Forced to begin a new web page. Apparently there's a limit on the length of each page. I could blog on a different site and set up a link from my website, but I like this Diary format -- the days following consecutively instead of the newer entries at the top. Maybe I just don't want to learn a new trick right now.

Happy Sunday All!

Monday, February 22

Evening

Yesterday and today, both idyllic days. Sometimes the magic works. (From the movie, "Little Big Man.")

Yesterday afternoon Friend Mary, Sakura, and I came home after church and breakfast at BreadCo to a peaceful household where they boys were playing cooperatively and -- wonder of wonders! -- Nick had been dry all day. As Matt napped, Sakura and Nick painted, I baked cookies, Mary read and dozed, and Pat balanced the checkbook. (See photos. Note the quilt on which Matt is sleeping -- made by the choir for me and Pat some years ago. We love it in the winter -- so heavy and warm.) It was gray outside, but sunny and warm inside -- a perfect day.

By the way, I am perfecting the shortbread cookie, which both Pat and I love. So far the trick is brown sugar and just a bit of baking powder. I also added an orange glaze which adds just a bit of sweet and tart. The other batch was good old chocolate chip. A crowd pleaser.

This morning Nick wore boys underwear instead of pull-ups to school and, I'm happy, grateful, over-the-top delighted to report, he was dry all day. Oh please make it the beginning of the end of a long wet season!!!

I spent today at home alone being productive and peaceful -- writing, baking pizza shells, organizing Sakura's clothes. I save those types of tasks for when the phone rings. Got a call from a young man who asked, in essence, "Why are you still Catholic?" I gave him the most honest answer I know. I have the strongest sense that God called me to this Church community -- my Road to Damascus experience -- and I simply haven't been notified that it's time to get back on the horse and ride in the other direction. It's not that it's always easy or to my liking. It's just who I am.

I did talk Sunday with Pat about using our choir Sundays off to take the kids to experience other Catholic communities at worship. Sakura was saying just the other day how much she liked the Children's Liturgy of the Word at the "big church in St. Louis" -- College Church where we've gone twice with the kids. Her reason? "It was so peaceful, Nana." Kids need a variety of religious experience. So do I. I love my parish community, but I need a jolt once in a while.

Time to get dessert for the kids. Pat is dining with his mom this evening. Amazing that I can be alone with the three kids now and it's not a big deal.

Paige Byrne Shortal

GranDiary Lent 2010

My seasonal record of sharing life

with our three grandchildren.

Click HERE to begin or see other GranDiary pages.

Ash Wednesday, February 17

Noon

A scary beginning of Lent. Last night Pat came home from work with a lot of pain in his left side. He suspected pulled muscle, but the pain was so intense that I began to worry about other "left side" things - like heart or ...? Made it through the night. Decided to take him to Urgent Care this morning, so loaded up the kids, taking each one to school, dropped Pat off, got Sakura in by 8:00, and then back to Urgent Care for the morning. Doc says pulled muscle due to coughing and bronchitis. Put him on a super-duper anitbiotic (must be -- $140 after insurance!) and two different cough suppressants. I hope this does the trick.

Feeling very vulnerable. Financial issues with Mommy and I feel a lack of any acknowledgment or appreciation, yet we must let her into our lives. Trying to get permission to have my Lent book available at church and hitting a roadblock there, too. Just the usual, "what if everyone wanted to do it" approach to life. And last night as I kept watch with Pat I felt so helpless, wondering who I'd call to help me with the Littles if I had to get Pat to the ER.

Lent. Finding God in all things. Challenging.

Afternoon

An unidentified reader just asked how to purchase my book. Go to www.liguori.org or, if you're in or around my parish, I will be taking orders and have them available on the First Sunday of Lent.

Pat's up and about and just beat me at Scrabble. Talked to Daddy and they will sit tonight while Pat and I enjoy soup night in our parish followed by Ash Wednesday Mass. I always like offering the ashes to each choir member with the words, "Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel." Now there's a life plan!

Evening

A lovely Mass with full choir and congregation. Amazing the energy when folks come together to worship. Just amazing. I live for that energy -- how to make room for it, nurture it, sustain it, get out of the way of it. So many think it's the preaching that makes the difference or the music. It's the attitude -- just the willingness to come together to pray and praise -- that's the key.

Kids abed when we got home. Mommy and Daddy in good spirits. Time for bed myself.

Thursday after Ash Wednesday, February 18

Morning

Pat remarkably better! So glad we took him to Urgent Care yesterday and got him on this new antibiotic and cough suppressant. He was more like  his old (real) self this morning than in months. He agreed to give it one more day away from the office, but he did take Sakura and Matt to school. I kept Nick home -- just too puny with a chesty cough. Will take him to the doc today.

How's Lent going? Well, I did so-so yesterday in my attempt to be both abstemious with myself and generous with others. I caught myself throughout the day entertaining niggardly thoughts and, too many times, acting on them. At least three times I ate more than  required to fuel the body.

Today -- finish one writing assignment and begin another; conference call at 12:00; doc appt in the afternoon; create a little order in my home and study -- I keep losing things! With a two-year-old in the house, I suppose that's inevitable. Please God, bring Pat to health so we can at least be Two-on-Three. Much better odds.

Night

Well, what should have been a pleasant day at home with focused work and some leisure time with Pat turned into a disaster. And it was my fault. Within twenty minutes of reminding Nick to poop in the potty, he did it in his pants. I got furious and lost my temper. Or found my temper. I was abusively angry, jerking him into the bathroom, roughly stripping his clothes off of him, thereby spreading the poop around more than was necessary, angry about that and smacking him hard on the legs, yelling all the while. I was not a kindly Nana. I was NanaBeast. It was awful.

He whimpered, I finally settled down and put him in a warm bath and took the few pull-ups we had and told him they were gone forever. Then I left the bathroom and cried. God in Heaven, what a morning.

Shortly after all this, Mommy called me with the words, "You'll have to bring the kids to us on Saturday -- our car broke down." I know that's just her way of being dramatic, but something about the, "You'll have to ...." and the fact that their drama is impacting my life, threw me into another tizzy. I yelled at her for 45 minutes. Again, God in Heaven!

Pat saved my day. He is feeling so much better and was able to take Nick to the doc (he's been coughing - but no ear infections or pneumonia), pick up Sakura, and other errands this aft that were supposed to be mine. i got my writing assignments done and a successful conference call. And more laundry, natch. 

After it all settled out, I know that the worst part of today was me -- my attitudes, my assumptions, my temper. Bedtime was sweet. Nick told me he loved me and he really tried to say his prayers with me. Kids are so forgiving. Matt sings with me now at bedtime -- Kum-ba-ya is the latest favorite: "Matthew's sleepy, Lord, kum-ba-ya."  And Sakura decided that during Lent we would read through her entire children's bible -- once her Uncle Dan's. She's very attentive and asks good questions.

Oh, one other thing I learned tonight. I let Sakura do her homework after supper and her bath. She did it efficiently, with no fuss, and all correct. It's a better time for her than after school. Whodathunk?

A humbling day. Please God, a peaceful night. Amen.

Saturday after Ash Wednesday, February 20

Morning

Yesterday I had to use my writing time to complete a couple of projects that were due. Got 'em done. We made the decision to let the boys stay at Daddy's apartment where Mommy is spending a lot of time.  I dropped them off after I left Sakura at school and they spent last night. I checked on them mid-day and they were content and even worried that I was going to take them away. I know they were mostly glued to the TV. They will be there all day and we'll take Sakura to join them for dinner and the evening while Pat and I sing Mass and go to dinner with friends. Then we'll bring them all home tonight.

How much time can children spend with people whose habits you don't want them to imitate? And yet their parents do love them and want to spend time with them and that's valuable to a child. Daddy was so excited that they were coming that he was up at 5 AM. Furthermore, Pat and I are not at our best when we're with them too much and at those times I wouldn't want them to imitate me either.

I guess the way it has to work is that we provide the order, healthy food, warm beds, clean clothes, school, church, and general healthy routines and we still let Mommy and Daddy into their lives enough for them not to feel abandoned ... and for us to get a break.

I heard from a reader who admires my "spiritual wisdom" and remarked how "easy: it is for me. I read that to Pat who whooped! Whooped! This reader is going to the courts to get custody of her grandson as her daughter is doing drugs. She anticipates a fight and wants my advice. I feel her pain. I do know that there is less pain in the long run when all who love a child somehow get to participate in that child's life. Finding the balance or formula is no easy task. Takes some heavy-duty swallowing!

And Great News! Another reader has arranged for the sponsorship of the two CFCA boys we couldn't afford anymore. We kept two of our sponsored children - a brother and sister in Guatemala just the ages of Sakura and Dominic. The other two will now by sponsored by a religious woman and a friend of hers, a priest. How cool. Please do check out www.cfcausa.org just to see the fine work they do.

I promise to add photos later today. Must go now and take a long shower. Sakura's heading outside and the house is empty. Woohoo!

Afternoon

Such a pleasant morning. Sakura and Papa took a hike down to the creek across the road from our place. I did launry and found a babysitter! Two sisters who are daughters of friends will come Wednesday. I was worrying about what we would do if Dad and Mom's car wasn't fixed and even called two local shops we do business with and then stopped myself with, "Wait a minute, what do you need?" Well, what I need is a sitter on Wednesday nights and my kids need to get their own car fixed. That's the old pattern -- because I don't want the babes to suffer, I've stepped in instead of letting my kids bear the consequences of their actions (or inaction). Time to stop that!

The photo is Sakura dressing for outside - way too warm as it happens - it's nearly 50 degrees! The seeming mess to her left is our method of organizing the kids' outdoor gear and school backpacks - blue basket for Nick, green for Matt, purple for Sakura. There's a second set of baskets under the pew for boots. It works. Sort of. Right now every space is disorganized - our catch-all kitchen table and bulletin board look like the recycle bin. Maybe I'll do before and after photos. It will encourage me to get to the "after"!

Bedtime

Took Sakura to Aunt Florence's to deliver milk and had a pleasant visit. Then dropped her off at Daddy's apt. Boys were in good shape and apt was orderly. Pat and I sang 4:30 Mass, sold seven of my books(!), and ate supper  with friends. Picked up all three kids, came home, bathed them, bedded them with books and prayers, and put on a load of laundry. All's well.

Photos: my before and after kitchen catch-all and NO, I did NOT just shove it in a drawer; Sakura in her nest upstairs during laptop time.

Second Sunday of Lent -- February 28

Night

The concerns of yesterday are nothing today. Sometime last night Friend Mary had a stroke. She was found by friends Kathy and Rich who have been driving her to church Sunday mornings since we have been taken up with the grands. They called an ambulance and contacted me.

Friend Judy brought me to the hospital. The chaplain told me to prepare for the worst. The stroke was massive. A scan shows blood throughout the brain. There is no response. She is breathing on her own. Occasionally she shifts her legs or yawns, but mostly she is very quiet, very peaceful.

Pat, Sakura, Fr. Sigmund came to be with us and we prayed and anointed her. Sakura is fully aware that her Aunt Bessie is dying. She's grieving as a child does -- in fits and starts.

People have been so present. Hospitals are not usually peaceful places, but today -- perhaps because it's Sunday? -- it's calm.  The doctors are leisurely, the nurses caring. Another choir member and friend, Mary, is also chaplain here and she spent her day off with us. There is a lot to think about, but our Mary made it easy by having everything in one file, including her final directive which includes making me her Power of Attorney.

I'm writing now from her bedside. Pat is in the other chair. Friend Carol is with the children. The plan was that I would come here alone until Midnight when other choir members, Friends Clare and Don, would take over until 4:00. Then Friends Rich and Kathy will come. They've set up vigil so that Mary will never be alone.

I called the sons. Nate, Dan and Maureen will come in tomorrow. I called Daddy on Mommy's phone -- his has been disconnected -- and told him. Mary is his Godmother and he loves her. They all love her.

Pat is here now because as I was driving in I had a wreck. A bad one. Totaled our van and the car of the young man I hit. He was  making a left turn.  It was terrifying and I screamed so long and so loud that I'm hoarse. I'm not injured -- bruised and swollen knees, bruised chest where I was hit by the seat belt or air bag or steering wheel.

I screamed because it was horrible and because my oldest friend is dying and I miss her. I've called her almost every day these last 36 years. I find I want to call her to tell her about all this. Sakura is doing the same thing I am -- suddenly remembering something that is gone. "Nana, I won't be able to go to her house anymore." Of all the losses this past year, I think this will be the greatest for her. Perhaps greater than the loss of her parents' home.

So ... our house still smells skunky. We have no car that will hold all of us. I am bruised. My friend is dying. But we have the most amazing friends. Pray for us, friends, okay?

Thursday, March 4

Noon-ish

I'm writing from Mannwells, a favorite coffee shop of Friend Mary's. I wasn't sure about coming in, but glad I did. There's a wreath on the door and a sign, "Our Dear Dr. Mary Waldron passed on about 1:00 PM Tuesday, March 2. She loved this month."

As I wrote before, there is something human-sized about this town. No one is "just" a server or a bank teller or an accountant or nurse, doc, priest, etc. Of course, this is never true, but here it's more obvious. They are all friends -- very often choir members!

This is a GranDiary -- about raising the Grands -- so I don't want to turn it into a general journal. This has been a good experience of real life for the babes. We have to learn everything, I think, including the art of grief. The kids, especially Sakura, are learning from us and from a community of people who care.

There's a woman who keeps coming to mind - Shirley -  parishioner who has struggled with cancer and who lost her husband quite suddenly. I've always admired how she presents herself and it didn't change with cancer or widow-hood. She is ... classy. Carries herself well and there is joy in her. And she always asks about others. I wonder if that other-directedness (sorry for the crappy English!) isn't part of preserving joy amidst sorrow. Anyway, I think of Shirley as I'm walking around and try to imitate her. Classy I ain't, but I can do ... hip? Hah. Or at least be present to others.

Anyway, the children are talking freely about -- and to! -- their Aunt Bessie in heaven. They're acting like they have a friend at court -- and so they do. Mary, pray for us!

Friday, March 12

Evening

A satisfying day. Kept the boys home until after lunch and they played very happily together. No sign at all of Nick's anxiety. Took them to Daddy's apartment for the rest of the day and overnight. Pat and I delivered the memorials to the SFB office - $610 in bequests to the SFB Grade School Library - and then collected boxes for moving Mary's goods. We picked up Sakura from school and the three of us spent the next four hours at Mary's apartment. Got  a lot done. Two friends came by to check out a couple pieces of furniture and we ordered food from China King, just like we used to with Mary. I found myself teary, then laughing, then curiously looking through her photos and papers. Makes me want to clean out my study!!!

Sakura was such a help both with going through things and just her spirit. She is such a happy, healthy little girl. Humming, dancing, singing.

Time to get her to bed. She misses the boys. She has girl scout camp tomorrow and Pat and I will go back to Mary's to move stuff. Hard work, but must be done.

More Stations: 10: Jesus is stripped of his garments. (I LOVE this depiction - so touching.); 11 - Jesus is nailed to the cross.

Saturday, March 13

Morning

Best night's sleep in days, even weeks. Didn't wake up once. Pat the same. Sakura still asleep. Today dawned rainy, cold-ish, gray. Not a great day for moving furniture ... or going to camp! ... but Pat I agree that we need to get as much done as possible on Mary's apartment this weekend. Come Monday I really must get into writing mode.

Mary's passing, the arrangements for her body, her Memorial Mass -- all were somehow so ... satisfying! There was a softness, an ease about it all. I am exploring the relationship between the personal and the institutional in what we did, but I'm not articulate enough to write more just now.

Evening

I'm extraordinarily tired -- beyond tired. Spent the entire day in Mary's apartment. About 80 percent done. So many decisions. Going through her books was the hardest. Found worthy destinations for most of them, I think. Trying so hard not to bring things back here that we cannot use immediately. So grateful to the friends who helped -  Toni, Don and Clare, Linda and Olivia Z, Kathy and Olivia H. We've moved Mary five times in Washington, this time being the fifth. All were physically tiring, but none like this.

We picked up Sakura from camp and the boys from Daddy's apartment. The kids seemed like they would have been just as happy to stay with their parents tonight and I'm thinking right now that it would have been wise. I just thought it would be best to stay with the plan.

Later

After a supper of Pat's hamburgers, the Bigs are in the bath and Matt is leaning against me watching Sesame Street clips on my split-screen laptop. He's very cuddly. We were right to stick to the plan. I think it's unsettling to the kids to not come home when we say they are. But things do seem settled enough with Dad and Mom to maybe leave them there for a weekend sometime.

I'm wondering how I'm managing all this. I can't see a time when there will be normal life -- a time when I'm not always so stretched. Best to manage today's duties and not think too far ahead.

Tomorrow is morning Mass and then our Stations concert at 3:00.  I'll add the rest of Don's stations here. 12: Jesus dies on the cross; 13: HIs body is taken down from the cross; 14: his body is placed in the tomb.

Lent means spring. It's coming. Today was grey and rainy, but the daffodils are blooming a bit. I'm ready for spring.

Tuesday, March 16

Early Afternoon

I'm so sad.

This morning the kids all got up "in the middle of the night," Sakura said, and to school on time. I went to Mass with Sakura, then to the choir room to pull the music for tomorrow's practice and also to collect all the photos of Mary that had been on display at her Memorial Mass. Then on to the bank to close Mary's checking account and safe deposit box, and finally here to Mannwell's Coffee House to write. I'm a bit behind on Daily Bread, the column about the daily readings of the Mass which I write with three other women, one of them being Mary.

I so miss her as my writing partner.

After several hours and four meditations completed, I got out her small notebook computer to begin trying to clean up the files and transfer important ones to my computer. Her system is different and I haven't yet figured out how to save the one file I need - MEMORIES. I had suggested that she write her Memoirs and so she had. But they end when she is fourteen and I want them to continue! She was such a good writer and didn't get enough credit for her efforts. I could have helped her more.

On the day she had her stroke, I realized that "REGRET" is a very deep hole and I needed to wait to go there. Soon though. In confession, I think.

I must move along - to her apartment to finish packing some books, to a few errands, and then to pick up the kiddoes for the evening routine. Bless their hearts.

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